Archive | June, 2010

Murder in Paradise

29 Jun

Imagine I’m a well-regarded journalist, and this is a reputable newspaper. You know, like Elizabeth Wakefield and her regular column in The Oracle. Because the shit that went down in this Super Thriller is seriously newsworthy.

Crazed Transplant Surgeon

Almost Ruins Perfect


Above: Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield working on their tans at Paradise Spa

Above left: Elizabeth Wakefield captured by CCTV footage as she attempts to track down her missing mother.

From the outside, Paradise Spa Health Retreat was a safe haven, a luxurious escape from life in sunny California, where young women could be pampered in five star comfort, enjoy clean living for a weekend or even putt a couple of holes on unspoiled greens.

But inside lurked a hidden danger, a woman so obsessed with beauty that she would do anything – even murder – to achieve perfection among herself and her staffers.

Tatiana Mueller’s crazed obsession dates back to her days at Sweet Valley University, where she became infatuated with fellow college attendee Alice Wakefield. After graduating from medical school in the mid 70s, she devoted her life to cosmetic surgery in the hope that she could one day become the owner of Mrs Wakefield’s face. In the interim, she established a cult among employees at Paradise Spa, perfecting her craft by performing face transplants on wayward teens who would then work for her and become complicit in her exploits.

It was from these illusory environs that a mother-daughter group of Sweet Valley residents rescued late yesterday was lucky to survive.

Alice Wakefield thought luck was on her side when she received a phone call late last week from Paradise Spa offering her an all expenses paid luxury holiday with her twin daughters and three other friends. She, along with daughters Jessica and Elizabeth, and friends Grace and Lila Fowler and Enid Rollins, had enjoyed three days making the most of yoga, facial treatments and all the perks the spa had to offer.

Dr Mueller’s devious work began to unravel when cluey twin Elizabeth discovered the body of a former employee known only as Katya. It is believed this poor young girl, plucked from unattractiveness by Dr Mueller and given a lifeline, was brutally murdered by the surgeon after threatening to tell the Wakefield family the truth about Paradise Spa.

Dr Mueller is said to have told Fowler Memorial Hospital that Katya had a heart condition and thus would not require an autopsy. Forensic pathologists from the hospital will face questioning over claims of negligence.

Following this cruel act, Dr Mueller allegedly lured Alice Wakefield into her private surgery – a state-of-the-art facility with photos of the attractive blonde plastered on every wall – and began hypnosis.

Fortunately, the twins and disgruntled employees tracked down Dr Mueller and her team of surgeons before Alice’s face could be removed.

Police allege that as they handcuffed Dr Mueller, she lapsed into a delirious stream of conscience, claiming that she was once “ignored” and “ridiculed” by Mrs Wakefield, and that other students “flocked” to this “golden girl.”

Dr Mueller will face Sweet Valley local court on Tuesday and will not be released on bail.

The family was available to speak to the Tribune in the early hours of this morning.

Said daughter, Jessica Wakefield: “I was getting over the macrobiotic thing anyway. I could just die for some fries and a milkshake at Casey’s. Also, will this be on the front page?!”

Todd Wilkins, Elizabeth’s relieved boyfriend, commented, “I’m just so glad to have Liz back. I know this is the thirteenth time she’s cheated on me in our junior year, but she is the wholesome twin, after all. I’m sure she was just missing me.”

Also glad of the escape was Enid Rollins, Elizabeth’s friend who, feeling vulnerable after a recent relationship breakdown, was the subject of one of Dr Muller’s evil attempts to brainwash and reconstruct visitors to Paradise spa. Said Ms Rollins: “I just got so jealous of my sized six, blonde-haired friend and her equally attractive family. Now I realize that I need to accept my unfortunate looks and be grateful she even acknowledges my presence.”

Elizabeth is said to be part of a taskforce aiming to harness the technology Dr Mueller created and use it in the treatment of burns victims and survivors of war.

Alice Wakefield regrets that she only vaguely remembered Dr Mueller from SVU: “Perhaps, had I paid her more attention instead of whoring it up at the Theta house while my boyfriends called her ‘Tatty Mule’ this whole thing could have been avoided.”

It is a chilling tale, and today we remember those who died in a quest for beauty, and those who were fortunate enough to be born in a sun-streaked blonde-haired, size six body.

Above: Tatiana Mueller, whose quest to transplant Ms Wakefield’s face remains unfulfilled

Winston Egbert,

Sweet Valley Tribune

What’s wrong with this picture? Or #13 “Kidnapped”

28 Jun

Elizabeth tried out her #1 self defence weapon – her extraordinarily long arm

We begin with a chapter that is wrong it so many ways I have isolated only the top three:

1] Jessica is waiting for Liz to return from an evening of saving the world, so they can attend a glitzy party at the home of Sweet Valley’s newest millionaires, the Morrows. She is squeezing into a piece of blue silk that would probably ashame Betsy Martin, and her zipper gets stuck! Too many onion rings at the Dairi Burger, methinks!

Luckily, Steven is home from college AGAIN [seriously, Nalice is paying his fees for this??] so he comes to the rescue. And here, I quote one of the most twisted and incestuous pieces from Sweet Valley high to date:

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The one where the ghostwriters are on acid, or SVH #99 “Beware the Babysitter”

24 Jun

We skip to the fifth installment of the “Terror” Miniseries, one book after Lila’s parents remarry each other, and one book before The Evil Twin messes up big time and fails to murder Elizabeth Wakefield.

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Winston Bags a Unicorn or SVT#52, Booster Boycott

17 Jun

Winston didn’t know what was more cheer-worthy – the fact that he was in a club with the horniest girls in school, or that he had narrowly escaped a Todd-punch.

The unicorns are in turmoil! Someone forgot to wear purple? No… Someone got caught speaking to Lois Waller in the cafeteria? No….Johnny Buck is dead?

Wrong again!

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17 Jun

To the disdain of my poor parents, every week there is an express posted bundle of sweet valley twins/high/university books sent to my old bedroom in their suburban home. Ebay has been an godsend for young adult fiction tragics like me…..

My poor dad sees my weekly spending on such nonsense and rues the day he binned my sweet valley/BSC collection….

More Egbert madness coming soon!

Hello world! #3 PLAYING with FIRE

16 Jun


[The one where Jessica entwines herself around her beloved boyfriend – their words, not mine]

We begin at Sweet Valley High’s homecoming dance where I have been elected fall king and Jessica sociopath Wakefield is fall queen [that’s the first fall by the way, although we have about 137 summer vacations that year.]

Fran-Pasc gives some fairly harsh and unflattering descriptions of my dancing style:

“Winston did a quick shuffle, nearly tripping over his gangly legs.”

“Winston ran in circles around her, comically kicking his feet and clapping his hands”… so it’s little wonder that Jess ditches me to dry hump with wealthy Bruce Patman.

Creepy Collins comes out of the girl’s bathroom for long enough to award Jess and Bruce winners of the dance-off [what is this, GREASE?], but luckily Saint Liz is there to have a root [beer] with me and cheer me up. Because we gangly class clowns get down sometimes, y’know.

Oh and then there’s this dodgy subplot about the token school band, the Droids, getting screwed over by some LA-based music agent. Hmmm.

Next thing I know the gang’s at Ken’s after-party where Jess palms me off to her attaché Robin Wilson. Bruce wastes no time in luring Jess into the bushes. Yes, there is boob-groping and bikini untying. Those early ghosties sure knew how to start a party.

Page 31 is my favorite: “He responded by turning his face to hers and kissing her hard, his arms crushing her against him, his mouth demanding what his body wanted to take.” Ooh la la.

Saint Liz chases B and J into the bushes to try and knock some sense into her sister [and Bruce is all yee-haa now there’s two of them] but then poor sod stays up worrying about Jess till the bad twin comes home at 3am. Ah the joys of being four minutes [decades] older.

Jessica continues slutting around with Bruce, which basically means sitting around her bedroom waiting for him to call/ pick her up in 1BRUCE1 and deliberately losing tennis matches so he won’t be threatened by her. GRIPE#1 – This part always bothered me about Jess Wakefield. I always thought she was a bit of a feminist, not in the girl-scout-turned-star writer-for-the-oracle-beauty-pageants-are-the-devil way of Saint Liz, but in more of a pom-pom-toting-up-for-anything kind of way.

Anyhow –

When Bruce is taking out the other blonde of the month, Jess continues using her new “friend” [parasite], phi alpha beta wannabee Robin Wilson [who, in case you didn’t know, is fat. More on that minority group later.]

Anyway – one Friday night, I’m lucky enough to get invited on a date with Liz and Todd. Awesome! How kind of Liz to bring tubby Wilson [who happens to have a massive crush on me] for company! Naww… she really knows how to kill two birds with one stone. So while we’re cruising back from the Droid’s concert in the Todd-mobile we get classic Todd moment #1 “Bruce has been making it very clear that he’s getting everything he wants out of [Jessica]. And whenever he wants it, too.”

OMG? A Wakefield? Doing the unspeakable? My jaw must have opened so wide my braces fell off and landed on my model aeroplane. But don’t worry, JW is re-virginised by book 107 and Sweet Valley returns to its pure, sexless order.

We get a few more angsty droids moments, a few more Jess and Bruce PDAs and Jessica somehow manipulating Emily Mayer to cheat on a chemistry test for her [why do I still love this girl?]

And finally – the bit we’ve all been waiting for, where Wakefield triumphs over manwhore.

It’s Bruce’s birthday, which I somehow managed to fangle an invite to. We kick off with Robin announcing “I’m going to check out the food” [yep, I somehow happen to be at the hors d’oeuvres stand at that exact moment].

After the gang goes to Guidos, Bruce suddenly has to take off to see his sick grandma [yep, he played that card] and so Liz, Todd and Jess take off. The Liz has to go back for her jacket [the bitch] and drags Jess back into Guidos only find Bruce with a gorgeous redhead.

Then Jess is all to you from me pinky lee with the soda and Bruce is humiliated all the way back to his Porsche [which she so spitefully slashes the tyres of.] And then she LINKS ARMS WITH ME BECAUSE SHE OWES ME A DATE and we go back into Guidos and eat pizza with tubby Wilson all night. Ahhh.


I should mention one instance where the subplot gets mildly scandalous, at band practice in Max Dellon’s basement where they have…cigarettes. Cigarettes? In Sweet Valley? Wait, they weren’t at Kelly’s?

I can only hope one of them had a rare lung disorder and died instantly to TEACH US ALL A LESSON

Question of the Week:

Who is hotter- Bruce Patman or Winston Egbert? [pick me! Pick me!]

Oh and let me know what you think of this blog! Despite being a computer nerd, my alter ego is not!

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