Winston Bags a Unicorn or SVT#52, Booster Boycott

17 Jun

Winston didn’t know what was more cheer-worthy – the fact that he was in a club with the horniest girls in school, or that he had narrowly escaped a Todd-punch.

The unicorns are in turmoil! Someone forgot to wear purple? No… Someone got caught speaking to Lois Waller in the cafeteria? No….Johnny Buck is dead?

Wrong again!

I think Jessica Wakefield put it best when she said,

“That scrawny nerd actually wants to try out for the Boosters?!”

Correct. I Winston Egbert, gymnast extraordinaire* [who knew?] am the scrawny nerd in question.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, the Boosters are the SVMS cheer squad, made up of the “prettiest, most popular girls in school” [the Unicorns] and tomboy Amy Sutton. So why did I, the second biggest geek in school [after D-list character Randy Mason] want to wear purple and shake my pompoms?

Ah, young Winston, I give you kudos. Your motives were so much less pure than they all anticipated.…[nerds have crushes on unicorns too, you know]

Anyway –

Next scene we’re in the cafeteria. Amy Sutton is getting excited about her frog-breeding project. [Frog breeding? Amy Sutton? Don’t worry, in 4 years she’ll be slutted up to the nines in silver lame and giving Annie Whitman a run for her money]. After being so cruelly shunned by the Boosters, I decide to start a petition defending my right to audition for their squad.

As I’m in the process of collecting a signature from my fellow geek Leslie, we get this gem of a Jess/Lila moment:

“So, if you refuse to sign that petition, from now on Lila and I will promise to say hi to you whenever we see you.”

“Only in the halls.” Lila added quickly.

“Or we might just wave,” Jessica said.

Ha. Anyway, 107 signatures later, my petition winds up in Casey’s Ice Cream Parlor, in the hands of Boosters Captain/Unicorn President/superbitch, Janet Howell. And that’s before she rips it up.

Fortunately, Saint Liz is there to patronize me. [Ooh I meant defend…Freudian slip]. Todd of course, gets jealous and storms out, an event which only continues to increase in frequency and with lesser provocation in the ensuing four years.

Will I be on the receiving end of a Todd-punch? Stay tuned….

Somehow, a cheer squad coach materializes and forces the squad to give me an audition. Finally! Some appropriate behaviour by a teacher in Sweet Valley. I wonder if she got that job over creepy Collins?

Of course, my gymnastic brilliance wins me a standing ovation and universal support and I wind up on the squad, conveniently, just in time for the state middle school cheering championships! Yesss!!

But it’s not always fun and games when you’re a class clown- the next day in the hallway I get beaten up by EVIL Charlie Cashman. And by evil I mean born out of wedlock to a mother who [GASP] smokes and who will surely be a regular at Kelly’s Bar destroying innocent deaf girls by the age of 16.

But Charlie has nothing on the Unicorns, who try endlessly to get rid of poor Win – putting peanut butter in my shoes, a doll in my bag and gluing me to the seat so I rip my pants. Grace [and Slutton] are at least nice to me…but completely under the thumb of El Presidento.  Even Elizabeth is powerless to stop them! Still, old Winnie takes it like Tom Mackay until…

The final straw – sweet little Grace Oliver [aka the object of my crush and crazy bid to be a Booster] decides to publish a cartoon in the SIXERS to welcome me to the squad. In the cartoon, I am “wearing a short cheerleading skirt”, my “muscular legs sticking out underneath”, and above is the caption, “nice knees”. Really Grace? That’s the best you can do? A nerd endures total emasculination, physical contact with an EVIL and all your stupid pranks and that is how you welcome him? It’s no wonder I was out of that squad faster than you can say, “Jeffrey French.”

So now who could I turn to? Ah, of course, Saint Liz! Unfortunately, she was busy trying to make a point to jealous Todd that she and I were just friends. So to prove her point, she sets up Amy to hang out with Todd [I’d be careful, Liz – a few more years of training and that girl will be sinking her teeth in]. Personally I think Todd had every right to be jealous of us – he is, after all, her “sort-of-boyfriend”.

Anyway, once Liz gets her head out of the soup kitchen/ girl scout cookies/ SIXERS, I confess my total crush on Grace. Nawww!

Liz somehow works her meddlesome magic, and next thing you know – it’s the cheerleading championships!

The Boosters totally screw the first round without me, and I must say it’s pretty fun watching Lila Fowler fall on her ass. But – when they swallow their pride at half time and so kindly allow me to “unquit” we totally dominate the finals and receive – A SILVER MEDAL! [this bearing an uncanny resemblance to the pom pom wars of SVH, only I was a transvestite at that point in time.]

And then, all is put right, the Unicorns do some kind of West Side Story maneuver in the corridor to get Charlie off my back, Liz and Todd get back together AGAIN and I get the girl! Yep, lil’ Winnies first ever hand hold –with Grace Oliver.

Looking back, my favourite memory from this little episode in when Todd leans over, shakes my hand, and says [with his coffee-coloured eyes shining], “I have to say I admire you, Winston.”

*a fact mentioned in no book before or since, much like Lila Fowler’s marimba expertise circa 1984 editions of SVH

And another thing: This was one of the awesome editions where we got to meet the reader of the month!! This month, we have Madeline Anna Kanai from Kentucky. Madeline – if you’re out there – your sentiments totally mirror mine as a 12-year-old. Here’s an excerpt:

“I think that these books are exciting and wonderful. They encourage you to read. It’s hard to put a Sweet Valley book down when you are in the middle of it. I used to, and even now, stay up until twelve just to finish a book. I tried to switch to another series, but I couldn’t stay away from the sad, fun, weird, and even scary books of SVT. In the future, I will encourage my children to read Sweet Valley Twins books.”

You can hang your pom poms on that.

2 Responses to “Winston Bags a Unicorn or SVT#52, Booster Boycott”

  1. IN LOVE WITH MATTHEW!!!! October 3, 2017 at 6:18 am #

    At a glance, I thought it said “Winston BANGS a Unicorn”!


  1. You can’t be a hippie and a jock, or SVH Super Edition #9 “Mystery Date” « WHAT WINSTON SAW - August 7, 2010

    […] tripping over his own big feet – let alone play a team sport. [I guess the fact that I was once a competition gymnast has been forgotten.] But his wacky sense of humour made him welcome in any crowd. Winston and Maria […]

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