The one where Winston Egbert’s Yearbook Wish Comes True or SVH #56 Lost At Sea

14 Nov

Winston’s Secret Diary, Volume I

Thanks, Fran-Pasc, for once again giving us a glimmer of hope.

Don’t sweat it – this isn’t a recap of 20 books, just one book that felt like it went for 20 years. Then again, time is a little skewed in Sweet Valley, where I live.

There was a time when I thought I’d love to be stuck on a desert island with Jessica – I even wrote it in the yearbook in sophomore year, right after I’d answered the “what-would-you-save-if-your-house-was-on-fire” question with “marshmallows.” But things changed when I met Maria Santelli. She’s like a brunette version of Jessica without all the batshit-craziness – a babe in a cheergirl costume who knows how to shut up and let me be the attention whore.

But just how much of a psycho Jessica really is I never fully appreciated until we were stranded on Anacapa island, facing imminent death.

Be careful what you wish for folks, because it might turn out like this:

It started out like most Thursdays in Sweet Valley – bright and sunny. I was psyched to be going on a boat trip with Mr Russo to study the ecology of local rock pools! I also took the buddy system very seriously – I was partnered with Jessica, Randy Mason and Lois Waller. Did you know, Lois is fat? Now that Robin Wilson is anorexic, Lois is back to being our resident chubby chick. Shame! Also, her mother is the school dietician.

Being a class clown does have its downsides – I seem to be a magnet for freaks like Caroline Pearce and the aforementioned metabolically challenged.

However, the trip was uneventful, despite Jessica refusing my attempts to get a lifejacket on her. [She was flirting with Ken Matthews, who currently has the personality of a corpse. My goal for this year is to get him in drag.]

Anyway, while she was batting her eyelids and purring, I was busy trying to sort out our ecology project. You’ll regret that Jessica, I remember thinking to myself. Little did I know just how much.

Anyways, after I’d stumbled over my own feet half a dozen times and studied the marine life of Anacapa Island, we were headed back to SVH to get past first base with Maria in the parking lot reconnect and share our findings. I put a hermit crab on Jess’s head as well. Hehe.

But we never made it back-  no, an intense storm came out of nowhere and the trusty Maverick went down like Annie Whitman on a slow Tuesday. I was incredibly scared but managed to coax Jessica into a lifeboat. Of course, it capsized, and Jessica was forced to swim for her life. I on the other hand regained control of the boat and oared myself to Anacapa Island. Did I deliberately let Jessica go? That’s one secret I’ll never tell….

These measly biceps did me proud, plowing through the fierce swell and torrential rain, and I drifted up on the beach at nightfall, and fell into a deep slumber.

I spent the following morning foraging berries and cooking fish and stuff, then bitchy McBitch decided to waltz on over to the island and steal some for lunch. Oh and I made a fire out of sticks. Mad skills.

Jess decided to ignore me until she got too hungry [I knew she couldn’t survive a day without one of those fricken blueberry pancake breakfasts. Hard to believe she’s still a six]. Then we bonded over wood-gathering.

I didn’t even try to make a move, although it had been a looooong 48 hours. And Maria and I normally get up to a whole bunch of stuff the Wakefields wouldn’t even dream about.

But I did get her to help me make a shelter and shit, you know the whole wilderness survival thing. There was lots of sulking, although she did save me from a bear at one point.

And I did open up to her about how being the class clown isn’t always a barrel of laughs. I almost smacked one on her when the storm came, and I definitely came the conclusion that if there were no sheep, I’d be happy to contribute to the gene pool with Jessica.

Meanwhile, she was worrying about never shaving her legs or shopping at Lisettes again.

But just when we thought the end was nigh and we were destined to a Tom-Hanks style existence….a chopper showed up. No matter what happens in Sweet Valley, there is always someone to rescue you. Unless of course you happen to be standing at the fridge when the earthquake strikes [which reminds me, how DID Lois Waller and Robin Wilson survive???]

Home safe now, now to refuel with a double whopper and a Clam Special from the Dairi Burger.

You know you love me


2 Responses to “The one where Winston Egbert’s Yearbook Wish Comes True or SVH #56 Lost At Sea”

  1. winstonegbert November 14, 2010 at 6:37 pm #

    The editor would like to reiterate that she in no way shares Winston’s hollow Sweet-Valley-an views on the “metabolically challenged.”

  2. cokie mason November 15, 2010 at 8:24 am #

    LOL! I love this format! Maybe you can do Lila’s secret diary, or Margo’s?

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