Sweet Valley: Land of the Clones Or SVH #64, “The Ghost of Tricia Martin”

25 Jan

Oh hey, Steven. Welcome home from college. Again. Or should I say, hi 33-year-old Justin Bieber. What the fuck are you doing with LaToya Jackson? Ba-by, ba-by, ba-by, oh…

But no – it’s not Ms Jackson taking up with a juvenile. It’s Steve Wakefield’s latest fling, Andrea , who is apparently the spitting image of his dead girlfriend, Tricia, who we met back in book 13.

Spitting image? I’ll let you be the judge of that.  But at least this one’s out of high school. And rocking that purple turtleneck like the narcoleptic fourth wiggle.

Yup, Steven has met the reincarnation of Tricia, who was oh-so-perfect and lovely, even though her father was the town drunk and her sister took ecstasy [read: wrong-side-of-the-trackers]. We don’t find out anything about Andrea’s character, only that she prefers vanilla ice-cream [Tricia liked chocolate] and wears her hair up [Tricia wore it down.] So, zomg you guys, Andrea is like, a different person! You know that whole identical opposites thing that happens in Sweet Valley!? [Also – If you thought one doppelganger was weird enough, I refer you to Super Edition #3 “Spring Break”, where Steven reels in yet another Tricia look-alike. He really seems to have a twin fetish…just sayin’]

So Steven blows off his high-school aged girlfriend, Cara, to hang out with the ghost and go to all the places Tricia liked. Although this is slightly creepy, I have to give the writers credence for the fact that at least SOMEONE mourns the dead in this town.

Elizabeth meddles, of course:

“Are you being fair?” she demanded. “Are you being fair to Cara or Andrea?” Smug bitch. I don’t suppose she remembers the time she fell in love with a Todd look-a-like while she was dating Jeffery. [ I console myself with the fact that she’ll get her come-uppance when the Chappelle-Black clones appear. ]

Steven goes on an obligatory hiking date with Cara, and is a complete jerk. I hate Cara, but she should really dump his ass.

Did Cara always sound so girly, so silly? Steven wondered.

Sometimes he wondered if Cara was a little too immature for him. It seemed she was always talking about cheerleading or shopping or going to parties.

No shit, Steven. She’s in highschool, like all your other girlfriends. And she hangs out with your shallow, sociopathic sister. Did I mention that I hate Cara? Always have.

In the B-plot, our perfect nuclear Spanish-tiled family are looking more like the Martins than the Wakefields  – Nalice are arguing!

I have found some new evidence to support my decade-long conviction that Alice is screwing around behind Ned’s back.

It’s Friday evening, and all of a sudden Alice has to ditch out on family dinner with this lame excuse:

“Hi kids,” Alice Wakefield replied. She looked utterly frazzled [I’ll bet.] “This client, Mrs Rappaport, is just making me crazy. She wants to choose wallpaper tonight.”

“But it’s Friday!” Steven pointed out indignantly.

Mrs Wakefield rolled her eyes. “I noticed. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I let myself get used this way. People can be so inconsiderate.”

Wallpaper? And Rappaport? Is that even a name? I sure hope Henry Wilson Patman has an alibi.

Ned is busy working on Peter/ Frank  Santelli’s mayor campaign, just one of the many jobs of a multi-practicing lawyer in Sweet Valley.  He’s actually getting tired and taking it out on his family! Shock horror! And here I was thinking he was perfect! Don’t worry, you guys, they’ll sort out their marriage woes in no more than three books.

Steven now decides to take up hang-gliding to get his mind off the Andrea/Cara crisis. How logical – maybe he could spend more time with Cara like a normal person or at least, you know, face reality. Ned gives him the cash to do it, which I think is mainly to get at Alice.

And it wouldn’t be Sweet Valley High without Jessica having a personality transplant to get the attention of her flavour of the month. This time her project is Keith Wagner, a hippie-slash-environmental activist from Palisades High [he does reappear in “Mystery Date”, but as an SVH alum. Hmmm].  She hands out leaflets on recycling with him, and they go to an anti-ash demonstration. [I know, I know.]

“Do you want to go somewhere afterward?” she suggested. “To get something to eat?”

Keith nodded, his eyes on the podium. “Sure, how about the Whole Earth Cafe?” he whispered.

“What do they serve?” she asked, leaning close enough to whisper in his ear. She noticed the way his dark hair curled just behind his ear. Keith turned to look at her. Their eyes met, and even though they were in a room full of people, Jessica thought it was very romantic.

His lips parted. “Natural vegetable juices and mineral water,” he said huskily.

“Really?” Jessica breathed, gazing into his eyes. “That sounds delicious.”

Oh, ew. Is it just me or is that scene decidedly creepy? Did he really have to discuss vegetable juice ‘huskily’?

Just for good measure, Steven lands in hospital with a head injury and a fractured arm on account of the hang-gliding. He then he has his epiphany where he realises Cara is really all that, and that he’s been foolish to project his memories of Tricia onto Andrea. This all works out exceedingly well, because Andrea has a new man and Cara is stupid enough to take back Steven. Then again, I guess there is a certain status attached to being screwed over by Wakefield.  Just ask Todd.

4 Responses to “Sweet Valley: Land of the Clones Or SVH #64, “The Ghost of Tricia Martin””

  1. ceruleanbreeze January 25, 2011 at 8:40 pm #

    Tricia was way prettier than Andrea. I don’t think they look alike at all!

    Just when you think Steven can’t get any higher on the creep-o-meter…

  2. Regina Tomorrow January 27, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

    Ha ha, I love how “huskily” was so overused by the ghosties–I mean every other book seemed to use the word–geez, did they not have a thesaurus handy? I never really had a problem with Cara, even though she was dumb enough to hang out with Jessica (and date Steven for that matter!). Sure she’s no Lila but I’ll take her over stupid Amy any day.

  3. Laura January 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    Cara wasn’t so bad. I agree with Regina Tomorrow, that Amy Sutton is much worse – she sets my teeth on edge! So many dopplegangers in Sweet Valley – they say everyone in the world has a twin – I think I know where they’re all hiding! Lol. Husky vegetable juice. Gross.
    Great post 🙂

  4. winstonegbert January 27, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    HAHAHA. Today, during routine psychiatry teaching, they told us about a condition called “Capgras’ Delusion” – “the belief that someone close by has been replaced by an imposter or double.”
    Then the resident goes, “wow, it’s just like Sweet Valley High.”
    Tricia…Elizabeth…Tricia again…Todd…Elizabeth and Jessica again…
    Margo…Nora…that place has a ridiculously small gene pool.

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