For all you Team Jeffery Frenches: SVH #58 “Brokenhearted”

13 Mar
Oh Liz – you are so wonderful and perfect. If this wasn’t sweet valley/I had genitals I would totally have a boner right now.
How did I never notice that Jeffery was albino? I guess I was just blinded by my own perfect tan…

Scene I

Jeffery’s car

Liz: Oh, Jeffery, this was a wonderful date. I had such fun talking about all our friend’s problems and not having sex!

Jeffery: Gee, thanks Liz. Anytime. [Runs hand through his sandy blonde hair and drives away.]

Scene II Crowded SVH hallway

[Class has been cancelled on account of it being an average Monday.]

Lila: Guess what, Elizabeth? Todd is coming back to Sweet Valley! [Hmm, maybe now I’ll get my shot at Jeffery! On the other hand, apparently Todd is rich now and will be going to school at Lovett academy…]

Liz: Now my life is over! Todd is sure to fall in love with me again because I am a Wakefield! I will have to ask Jessica for some tips on infidelity. [We are identical twins, you know.]

Todd: Ho hum. Back to Sweet Valley. If only this was the TV version and I’d done something really bad ass to get kicked out of Vermont, like cheating at basketball.

Gee, I’d better not say anything to Elizabeth, because she’s a pain in the ass and I want nothing to do with her I might upset her! She has feelings, you know.


Scene 3

Todd: Hi Liz. By the way, I love you.

Liz: [bursts into tears].

Scenes 4- 137

Jessica: I should totally befriend Todd since he has hot rich friends at Lovett Academy.

Todd: That Courtney Kane chick from school is a babe. I wonder if she puts out? On the other hand, I’ve been thinking about having a Wakefield twin threesome for months. Now I have a BMW, Jessica will surely be up for it.

Liz: Todd…Jeffery…Who do I see myself dancing at the beach disco and not having sex with? Poor me!

Courtney Kane: Fuck those Wakefields are annoying. I wish an evil doppelganger would come to Sweet Valley and steal their lives. Also, I’m a slut. Because dyeing my hair mahogany and wearing slinky red dresses makes me one.

Jessica: OMG Todd’s friend Sheffield wants to join to peace corps! So I have to, like, be interested in peace and shit.

Jessica, ten minutes later: Sheffield is so boring! C’mon Li, lets hit Bibi’s.

Final Scene

Todd’s Pool Party

Winston: Man, this party is going off. And now, for my token class clown moment, I will stuff four whole pizzas in my mouth while tripping over my size-11 feet!

Courtney: Oh, hey Todd. [starts wildly making out with him in plain sight of Elizabeth.]

Todd: Huh?

Liz: [sobbing] It was Todd I wanted all along! Now I see! But having my cake and eating it too has been awesome. I think I will try it again 13 times this year.

Jeffery: Because I love Liz so much, I am going to physically drive her to Todd’s so they can do the Sweet Valley version of hooking up. Besides having no genitals, I also have no spine.

[Offstage] Whew! That chastity belt was starting to piss me off.

5 Responses to “For all you Team Jeffery Frenches: SVH #58 “Brokenhearted””

  1. sophie March 14, 2011 at 8:02 am #

    One word, three letters. LOL!

  2. Samantha March 15, 2011 at 6:14 am #

    Winston has size 11 feet?? Huh…who knew.

    Team Courtney Kane!

  3. Laura Kate March 15, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    Lol! I remember wanting to punch Courtney Kane. And Jeffrey. And Elizabeth. (At least Jessica was honest that the peace corps bored her!)I love your last line about Jeffrey… never have truer words been spoken about him!

  4. Rae March 22, 2011 at 1:58 am #

    LOL!! Team Jeffrey all the way, though.

  5. Olivia April 2, 2011 at 11:34 am #

    This made my day

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