Mr Collins isn’t the only perve in Sweet Valley! SVT Super Edition #9 The Twins Go To College

6 Apr

Ah, this old book. A favourite of mine, when I was eight. I remember thinking how old they looked on the cover, something which is going to come in handy later in the book. Seriously, though, the twin on the left could pass for eighteen – a far cry from the doe-eyed blondes who stepped onto the cover of “Teacher’s Pet” in 1986.

Well it’s another summer break, and Nalice have enrolled their daughters in a two-week study program at SVU, while they have a second-honeymoon in the Grand Canyon. [Read: A fortnight-long sex romp that may or may not involve swinging with Hank and Marie Patman.]

Elizabeth, naturally, is thrilled, while Jessica is pissed that she can’t spend every day sunning herself by Lila’s pool.

So the twinkies toddle off to the big wide world of university with Nalice in tow. Elizabeth enrols in romantic poetry, and Jessica tries her hand at pottery in the hope that it will leave her free time to shop and pick up guys at the jacuzzi. Because hanging out with frat guys is an appropriate activity for a twelve year old. While their kids are registering, Alice and Ned get all sappy about the gym they used to play volleyball in together, and the table where they spoon-fed meatballs to each other in the cafeteria. I have to praise the continuity of the ghosties on this one, because the SVH sagas dictate that Alice and Ned did actually meet in their flower-child days at SVU.

But the bit that gets me is Elizabeth’s roommate. Check this:

“Marion extended a hand. Nice to know you, Jessica. So here’s my question – are you guys twins, or are we triplets?”

Elizabeth caught her breath. “We do look a lot alike,” She said doubtfully. She stretched out her arm and pointed first to Marion, then to Jessica. “See, Jess? Blond hair, blond hair. The same length too. Blue-green eyes, blue-green eyes.” She bit her lip. We’re the same height. And-and her expressions the same as mine.”

Triplets? Jessica stared at Marion’s eyes. The girl had a look on her face that-that looked like Elizabeth. Jessica’s heart gave a leap.

“You aren’t serious are you?” She ventured. A wild thought rose in her. Maybe there were three of us, really, and Mom and Dad couldn’t afford to keep us all, so they let Marion go and be adopted by some other family, and….

“Nah.” All at once Marion seemed to shrink a couple of inches. “I made you think I was taller. You can do that, too, if you practice a lot.”

She thumped a volume on the bookshelf in front of her. The book was called Master of Disguise.

“ And as for putting on people’s expressions, well, I’ve learned to do that, too.”

I remember reading this around the time I discovered “The Evil Twin” and thinking, look out you guys! It’s totally Margo! Give this girl a few years and she’ll be rasping down in the Wakefield’s basement and hanging out at the Shady Lady with her knives.

The disguise thing comes in handy for Liz, however, when she gets the hots for her sixteen-year-old literature tutor, Ethan. She dolls herself up in a black mini and heels and calls herself, “Geralidine” the twin’s eighteen year old sister. She says things like “Oh my,” and “indeed!” because we all know how much that impresses sixteen year-old guys. The creepy thing is that this guy actually prefers the twelve-year-old real Elizabeth, because they connect on some deep poetry level over Wordsworth and Longfellow. At the final dance, while he’s spinning his underage student around on the floor, Ethan escapes a police inquiry by suggesting,

“Maybe when you’re sixteen and I’m twenty, or you’re twenty and I’m twenty-four…either way I still have a crush on you now.” Nope, Ethan. Still wrong.

So where has our scheming twin been while the dopplegangers and perverted teachers have been out in force?

Jessica has a nasty snob of a roomie, Susan Rainer, and she’s determined to bring her down. After meeting a creepy old witch called “Hatta”, Jessica creates a “curse pot”, apparently an ancient ritual  for getting rid of one’s enemies. Because this is Sweet Valley, it works, and Susan disappears until Jessica finally comes clean and smashes the pot. [turns out Susan had actually snuck off with a boy for a WEEK. Sheesh, these twelve year olds!]

Oh and of course the sixteen year old pottery teacher is hot for Jessica.

I will leave you with a gag-worthy quote from the final scene, where Elizabeth and the older boy recite mushy poetry to each other.

“Do you remember the poem I quoted to you on the bridge that night-the night we first met?” he asked.

How could I forget? Elizabeth thought, but she raised her eyebrows and said, “Remind me.”

In a HUSKY voice, he began to recite, and Elizabeth joined in.

“ ‘And the song, from beginning to end,’ ” they said together, reaching for each other’s hand, “I found in the heart of a friend.”

And you thought the French-fries-chocolate-milkshake-kiss with Todd was bad.

3 Responses to “Mr Collins isn’t the only perve in Sweet Valley! SVT Super Edition #9 The Twins Go To College”

  1. Lexie C. April 7, 2011 at 1:11 am #

    I…just don’t know what to say. Except Sweet Valley doesn’t have anything related to child protective services? I mean its eyebrow raising when older men have the hots for the twin in SVH, but in SVT? Child predators? The Ghostie working through their own traumatic experiences?

  2. Anne Marie @ Totally SV April 9, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

    lol i re-read this at my parents house at Christmas, and found the ‘my my’ and ‘indeed’ thing hilarious! I kinda forgot how bad the SVT books were really.

  3. Laura April 15, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

    God, that end quote brought it all rushing back. I honestly remember thinking how beautifully they sometimes incorporated poetry into the books. As Jessica said once “Gag me with a spoon”
    Love ya winnie!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: