The one where we heap pity on the fat and the dateless: SVH #74 “The Perfect Girl”

25 Apr

It was only when she was malnourished that Robin Wilson was allowed to be a Sweet Valley cover girl…

Look what I stumbled upon today: It’s another chapter of the Sweet Valley rule book!

  1. Being fat is a mortal sin
  2. Your personality is weight dependent. I refer you to the case of Robin Wilson – when she was fat, she was desperate, clueless and annoying. Since her miraculous weight loss, she is a kick ass cheergirl who is even cool enough to hang out with Jessica. [The same Jessica who started the nickname “Tubby Wilson.”]
  3. All fat people are greedy gluttons who keep chocolate bars in their pockets. There is no such thing as just being disposed to a little extra padding on the side. If you are fat, you must be evil.
  4. Also if you are on the chubby side and are ok with it, that is a terrible, terrible sin. Fat is never okay.
  5. Only skinny people like the Wakefields and Amy Sutton are allowed to stuff their faces with fries every day after school at the Dairi Burger. Because they are perfect.
  6. If you do not have a boyfriend, there must be something wrong with you. Never mind that you are only sixteen and actually want to have a life before you give it all up for some guy. Your job is to wait around at the Beach Disco on Saturdays for a hunk in a red Mazda Miata to show up.
  7. If you are fat AND don’t have a boyfriend, you have failed at life, and should be banished to the dirty side of Sweet Valley. Maybe you will befriend Betsy Martin there. Or even Lois Waller.

And now I present the sad, sad case of Robin Wilson, who not only struggles with weight, but struggles with guys. That is so sad. Don’t you feel sad? Let’s all pause a moment to weep for poor Robin and heap pity on her size-18 ass.

Robin’s boyfriend George Warren is off at college. Remember him? He’s the one who nearly killed Enid the Drip in a plane crash and hooked up with Robin while she was comatose.

Well, Robin is getting her own back ‘cause George is now screwing around with a hot sophomore called Vicky from his flying class. Robin assumes it must be because she once committed that dreadful crime of carrying a few extra pounds, and so she starts on another miracle weight loss diet.

Ironically, she and the other cheergirls are planning a fundraiser, attempting to break the record for the world’s biggest icecream.

Now I don’t mean to be harsh, but is Robin seriously friends with these chicks? Given that they are the same biatches who blackballed her from their Pi Alpha fucking Beta sorority because she was too fat.

She doesn’t even seem to like them – note exhibit A:

Jessica smiled at Cara. “You know me. Pushy.”

Robin suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. It was obvious that Jessica wanted to do all the talking. And it was too early to start wrestling for control. She knew Jessica would probably blow off her responsibilities later, and then Robin would take over and follow through till the end.

So the girl has some sense, after all. Probably because she is currently on the thinner side.

Elizabeth feels so sorry for Robin, and invites her out on an ice-cream date with her and Todd. Because there is nothing worse than a weekend without a date, you guys! Apparently, even a weekend spent with a condescending “friend” and her boring jock boyfriend is better than being alone.  I’m starting to think Robin really is pathetic, because she accepts.

Elizabeth and Todd eat ice-cream off each other’s faces while Robin stares at the ground looking miserable. Way to rub it in, douchebags. And Elizabeth, queen of tact, is all, “Don’t you want some ice-cream, third wheel?” Smug bitch.

Bear with me as my least favourite Wakefield continues her commentary on the battle with the bulge:

“Why is everyone in this country so obsessed with being skinny?” Elizabeth said angrily. It’s not right. Girls and women are made to feel they’re ugly if they don’t look like models or like beauty pageant contestants. Women being judged on their bodies. The whole idea makes me sick.”

Uh, scuze me. Arent you the girl who is described in the first fucking chapter of every one of these 200-odd books as a “sized-six, slim built, tanned Californian goddess.”  ?? And when you put on 8 pounds at the start of SVU and no longer fit in your twin’s clothes, weren’t you the first to go on a diet so that jock guys would admire you again?

But let’s put our condescending hat back on. While Elizabeth is having an orgasm pitying Robin [I wonder if it made her cry?] Miss Wilson is dropping the KGs – and fast. She snaps at her mother, flunks diving, and worries on end about her cheating boyfriend. And she has a hamburger-induced anxiety attack. Dang, those meat patties and buns!

Finally, it’s the day of the world record ice cream attempt. Huzzah! What do you think will happen? Alas, poor, starving Robin faints in the ice-cream because of malnourishment and pneumonia.

Elizabeth is there on the scene to maintain the airway, or something.

“I knew she was going too far!” she cried in an anguished voice. “I should have tried harder to stop her!”

Hey Liz – take a hint. She didn’t want your help. Fail.

And this:

“The professional attitude and efficient behaviour of the paramedics left Elizabeth speechless.” Because, OMG you guys, there are actual professionals in Sweet Valley now! Like, people who can actually take care of things that normally the sixteen year olds are in charge of! I hope those lazy ass police who almost let the twins and friends get killed half a dozen times are reading this.

We have our token hospital scene, just for good measure, with Robin withering away on the bed while George comes weeping back with his tail between his legs. I have to kinda feel for George in this scene. He must be scratching his head going, “Fuck! Every time I cheat on one of these high school girls she ends up in the intensive care unit!”

Just to make matters even more ridiculous, Vicky [the other woman] comes to visit Robin, and fesses up about her pot smoking past and how she’s actually a reformed drop kick, just to show us that perfect people aren’t always as perfect as they seem. [Excluding the Wakefield twins, of course.]

She also lets us know that she and George are not on [really? Kinda seems like it to me]. Robin, to her credit, doesn’t hook back up with George, because she realizes she actually has her own issues to sort out. Plus she is a mad diver and aviator and DOESNT NEED A GUY. Whoda thunk?

But just to remind us that this is Sweet Valley, Robin’s anorexia is cured in the next four pages. Yeah. Did someone say chronic disease?  No such thing in Sweet Valley!

4 Responses to “The one where we heap pity on the fat and the dateless: SVH #74 “The Perfect Girl””

  1. Daniella April 25, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

    I love how when Robin faints, Liz tries to make Robin’s anorexia all about herself…because SHE should’ve tried harder to stop Robin, and SHE should’ve known something was wrong. SHUT UP, LIZ!!!!

  2. sophie April 26, 2011 at 8:16 am #

    HAHAHA. George is a massive douche. I think this entire book is Lizzies worst moment.

  3. zoe April 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    LOL at Elizabeth getting her knickers in a knot over the paramedics. Like, who needs health professionals when there are WAKEFIELDS around?

  4. nadia August 23, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

    I admit that I an avid reader of the Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley High series when I was in my teens and at the time I never realized just how bizarre the books are. But yes, there are always these excerpts on the twins and their picture-perfect family which I find off-base. Obviously everything about the Wakefields are perfect, and I would have thought that the twins even looked like Liz Taylor when they are not even that stunning (judging from the books’ covers). But in truth, it is pathetic of Francine and her ghostwriters to make overweight girls look like losers. This book is a classic example. Anyway, good that you take us down memory lane. 🙂

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