It’s My Birthday! Fridges will fall…….

16 Jun

It’s a little uncanny, and also very fitting, that my blog’s first birthday falls just three days after Jess and Liz’s Big Day [June 13th.] If Sweet Valley was real we’d probably go ham it up at the Beach Disco to celebrate, which would most likely involve Jessica ignoring me and Elizabeth oh so kindly sparing me twenty precious seconds for a shoulder pat, while the entire junior class hailed these golden goddesses on the passing of another year.

I myself am not a twin, nor a Gemini. I always thought I should have been, both on account of the large number of twins in my family tree, as well as the fact that I’m left-handed [which means I possibly resorbed my twin in utero]. [Re-reading that sentence I realize how incredibly gross it sounds.]

So, like everyone in Sweet Valley, I’m happy to share the spotlight on this momentous occasion with the darling twins, Liz and Jess Wakefield. And I say momentous because one year on and I’m still having a ball writing this blog, while my readership continues to grow daily. The best present for WWS is your continued following, commenting, and of course passing on this website to like-minded friends.

So to celebrate, let’s revisit that killer party of junior year – the one and only time Liz and Jess blew out their candles in the 15 or so years Sweet Valley High proper spanned – with SVH Super Edition #10 “Last Wish”.




Liz: Hey Enid! Thanks for shining my shoes this morning! Want to help me plan a surprise birthday party for Jessica?





Enid: Liz is so good, and so kind, and so wonderful that I want to molest her hair like Carl the Orderly help her throw her the best birthday party in history!

Jessica did try to ruin my life several times this year by stealing four of my guys and spreading stories about my junkie past, but I will overlook that for my dear friend Lizzie!



Liz: Maria, are you with us?



Maria: Damn straight, girlfriend.



Liz: Olivia?



Olivia: Yes ma’m. I will also overlook Jessica snatching Roger Barrett Patman AND Robert Simpson off me earlier this year. But do I have to take the record out of my hair and conform?

* * *

Jess: I am going to plan the best party for Liz, you guys. Lila, can I have your credit card for my outfit?



Lila: Liz is so boring. I wish Margo was here so we could REALLY party.



Maria: Oh my Lord! Jessica has been planning a party for Liz all along! This ain’t on, sister!



Enid: My life is ruined! I think I should dye my hair black and hook up with another vampire to console myself. Liz! Liz! Wait for me! Over here, Liz!



Amy: But they are Wakefields! We MUST have a massive celebration to honour them or the universe will implode and cause a natural disaster or something!



Lila: Let’s combine both parties and surprise the twins! [Because not even I can resist honouring Wakefields, those goddesses of the earth.]

* * *

Olivia: Oh hi, Ken. I’ve painted a portrait of you. Naked.



Ken: But…but…this is Sweet Valley! You’ve never seen me naked! Also I have no genitals!



Olivia: Let’s break up. Roger Barrett Patman wasn’t this frigid.


* * *

Liz: Devon and Todd hate me because I cheated on them. I don’t know why it suddenly bothers Todd ‘cause its the fourteenth time I’ve cheated THIS YEAR.

Also why are my friends acting weird and avoiding me? I’m Elizabeth Wakefield! Without me they are nothing! Me! Me! Me!


Jessica: Everyone’s acting suspicious. They must be planning a party for me!


Prince Albert: Woof! Woof! An eerie premonition settles over Sweet Valley……

* * *

Enid: Hello Mr Beach Disco owner. What’s that? You’ve double booked us tonight? Sorry Liz, looks like your party’s off. [I FEEL SO MEAN! POOR LIZ!]


Liz: A tremor! Did you feel that, Enid? The world must be going into chaos because my birthday party is ruined!

* * *

Lila: Hello Mrs tent-hire lady. What’s that? You have no tents? Sorry Jess, looks like the party’s off. [TAKE THAT, BITCHFACE. NOW WE’RE EVEN]

* * *

Twenty minutes later, at Casa de Wakefield

Everyone: Surprise! Happy Birthday, twins!


Todd: Hmph. I s’pose I should get off the couch and make an appearance. [Because as you know I’ve been secretly hooking up with both twins all junior year, and will continue doing so until late into my twenties.]

[moments later] Lila, I need to pee. Can you get out of the bathroom?

Lila: Just let me finish this line of cocaine fix my mascara!

* * *

Ken: I’m sorry, Livvy. I should never have tried to suppress your individuality and make you conform! You can paint me however you want.


Olivia: It’s okay, I’ll paint pants on you. Otherwise people might think I’m a tramp and Liz will banish me to the slut-list with Betsy Martin!


Ken: But at least you’ll get a shoulder pat, my dear.


Olivia : Let’s go to the fridge. I’ve got the munchies from all that weed.

* * *

DevonHere Liz, have this boring text book for your present. Happy birthday.


Liz: Waaaaa! I wanted Tiffany’s! Devon is so cruel and spiteful, when all I did was pull a massive twin switch and humiliate him in front of the whole school at the prom.



Nalice: Here you go twins – have a new jeep! We’re very sorry your last two cars got written off through a combination of drink driving and Todd Wilkins!


Steven: I’m home from college again! Can I borrow the jeep to go pick up Billy, uh I mean Billie?


Jess: Fuck off. I’m driving.


Mother nature: Revenge is mine! Mwah ha ha ha! See ya in hell, bitches!

* * *

And so ends Sweet Valley as we knew it…….

I wonder if somewhere in the deep south, Margo Black and Nora Chapelle are also celebrating their 17th? They were Geminis – the sign of the twin – after all [despite not having seen each other since birth they had matching tattoos of their star sign] Either way, I bet their celebrations shat all over the Wakefield’s BBQ. Margo probably coyote-ugly danced over all the tables at Kelly’s, or a similar institution, and had leering middle aged men stuffing dollar notes in the pocket of her ripped jean shorts.

Margo: Happy birthday sis! Whatcha get me?


Nora: Today I’ll let you be Jessica, then tomorrow we can swap?


Margo: Fuck off, I’m Lila!

14 Responses to “It’s My Birthday! Fridges will fall…….”

  1. sophie June 16, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    Literally rolling on the floor in stitches. Very unbecoming. Liz shining Enid’s shoes? Olivia getting into the funny green stuff? And Margo! Hahahahaha

    • winstonegbert June 17, 2011 at 8:29 am #

      Ah thankyou. Any friend of Margo’s is a friend of mine

  2. Laura Kate June 16, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    F*ck off I’m Lila – that will keep me giggling all day.
    Awesome post. 😀

    • winstonegbert June 17, 2011 at 8:30 am #

      Thanks muchly. It always amused me how much Margo and Lila got on in “The Evil Twin” when she was masquerading as Jess…how could they not?

  3. Daniella June 16, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    Oh my! Every single line is absolute genious.

    Happy Birthday WWS!!!

    • winstonegbert June 17, 2011 at 8:31 am #

      Thanks for the birthday wishes. I will be celebrating with a Clam Chowder at the Dairi Burger at seven.

  4. kitykat June 16, 2011 at 11:34 pm #

    Love best post:) so funny.

    • winstonegbert June 17, 2011 at 8:29 am #

      Most welcome. I almost felt mean about giving Enid such a hard time…then I remembered that even Francine hates her

  5. Liesel June 17, 2011 at 3:03 am #

    Aw, Happy Birthday WWS…!! You’ve created a 2-in-1 character focus–book recap blogsite, that no one has quite done before – I don’t comment as much as i’d like to (work/ studies/ life/ site/ blaaaaaaaaaaaah) But I love the amount of effort you put in to this! Great job in hitting your 1-year mark! xx

    • winstonegbert June 17, 2011 at 8:28 am #

      Ah thankyou muchly – SVUnlimited is one of WWS’s fave ways to kick back! [when the Plaza theatre is closed]

      • Liesel June 21, 2011 at 2:10 am #

        Haha! Why thank you ^_^ 🙂

  6. Samantha June 17, 2011 at 5:21 am #

    Happy birthday, What Winston Saw! I would have busted out a Wakefield-esque suede/chiffon miniskirt or sensible polo shirt, had I only been more prepared.

    I’m so happy I stumbled across your blog one day; it has provided me with much entertainment. Seriously, When Lila Met Stacey kept me laughing for a week, and inspired some of my own SVH fan-fiction. The gift that just keeps giving…

    • winstonegbert June 17, 2011 at 8:15 am #

      Awesome! Have you blogged it yet? I’d be keen to read that

  7. Sam June 18, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

    Happy birthday WWS! Thanks for all the hilarity, your posts are the highlight of my working days. Keep up the ace work 🙂

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