Two Boy Weekend: A Husband Recap

12 Mar

 

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My husband read Two Boy Weekend to me aloud. With voices. It was awesome. I handed it to him to read on International Women’s Day. Perhaps he agreed due to the enticing cover, or the promise of some kind of dirty tryst at Miller’s Point. Sorry to disappoint husband, but this is Sweet Valley.

To recap before the mansplaining begins: Jessica turns into a pouty brat [wait, turns into?] when redheaded Texan boyfriend A.J. Morgan, whom she has been relatively faithful to for almost FIVE books goes away for four days. Four whole days without melting salty sweet fried chocolate kisses is far too much for Jessica to bear! For someone I took to be a lipstick feminist, she is woefully attached to the fact that she cannot possibly go stag to Ken Matthews’ party because, duh, people EXPECT her to show up with A.J. Her life is basically ruined! The next day, still whining, Jess ditches out on a Dairi Burger sesh with Lila, Amy and sensible Cara Walker and finds herself hooking up with a hunky surfer called Christopher.

During a dirty weekend of dining and gazing creepily into each other’s eyes at Casa Sur, a high class restaurant with a FUCKING PARKING ATTENDANT, he says creepy things like “I’m a jealous guy” and “I’m getting hungry” [while staring lasciviously at her size six physique.] Christopher then calls at least daily to pester Jess and reveal some genuinely horrific stalker behaviour. In true Jessica style, she ignores all the red flags and I find myself wishing that the Wakefields didn’t have to wait another 25 years for #MeToo.

Anyway, before leaving for four whole days, A.J. won an essay contest, which means he will be king of the upcoming Citizen’s Ball, and Jessica as his partner will be crowned queen. Motivation, of course, to stay with AJ and bury her dirty little secret.

Liz, meanwhile, is busy with her latest project, the Big Sister program, giving poor, motherless young girls [her words] a chance to hang out with a responsible SVH student for a few days. [I wonder if Lila gets one? I will be her sister.]  While at the mall with her hanger-on, she spots an older guy who seems to be following her and gets Jess to confess the sitch. Meantime, A.J. arrives back, and Christopher tracks him down and pretend-tries to buy his car. In a particularly chilling scene, he tries to run Jess off the road until she agrees to another date. Back at the Spanish tiled paradise on Calico Drive, Liz and Jess put their heads together and continue to ignore this hideous violent stalking behaviour and instead of going to the police come up with an even better plan: ” “Look,” Elizabeth began, thinking hard. “The only way to get rid of this power he has over you is to tell A.J yourself.” ” THINK HARDER, LIZ. THINK.  I guess the police are eating donuts, and Liz is so used to doing their job anyway, so really it makes perfect sense not to seek help. Jessica agrees, but of course she needs to wait until the day after the Citizen’s ball, in case A.J. breaks up with her.

Finally, the night of the Citizen’s Ball is here! I’m super pissed because we don’t even get outfit descriptions for the ladies. Tsk, ghosties. I thought that was in the manual!

So crazy Christopher turns up to the ball, and Liz lets him think she’s Jess and take her off into the darkness and tie her up in the back of the car, because Jessica obviously deserves to be the Citizen Ball Queen for, what exactly? Oh, not writing the winning essay and cheating on the person who did. And FINALLY Jeffrey French saves the day, the security guards pin down Christopher and he submits and begs for a psychiatric assessment. After all that, Jess breaks up with A.J. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING PRESENTATION anyway. But of course he immediately forgives her and gives her the crown anyway, in memory of the good times they had. And therein ends Jessica’s longest relationship to date, and another Wakefield-obsessed stalker defeated without a whiff of post traumatic stress disorder. Somehow Nalice never find out, because obvs it would be way too stressful for them to handle.

Now for the hubcap [note his thoughts in blue, I guess because I am a bad feminist]:

 

 

Husband’s character profiles

A.J. Morgan: like a boring Chuck Norris [what a paradox]

chuck.jpg

A.J.? That you?

Christopher: [after four seconds]. He’s trouble. Also, possibly had a starring role in The Room.

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Sweet Valley: Pleasantville

Jessica: [noted in the first four seconds of reading]: manipulative, sociopathic bitch, and clearly has a narcissistic personality disorder. Possibly invented Ashley Madison.

Liz: moronic martyr. Also a narc.  And she grins all the fucking time!

Enid: a total boring suck who Elizabeth uses?  Uh, yes. Not sure how he figured this, as Enid has about one scene in this book.

 

Memorable Quotes:

 “Jessica frowned at the note, wondering what it could mean”

I knew it! She can’t fucking read!

 

AJ untangled his arms. Are these people made of spaghetti?

 

 “Lila Fowler, Cara Walker and Amy Sutton were deep in privileged white girl conversation.”

 

“ “Do you get sick of doing the same things with Jeffrey all the time?”

“No,” said Elizabeth thoughtfully. “Because I’m boring.”

A frown creased Elizabeth’s perfect forehead. “ [at this point I am unsure where Francine ends and husbo begins]

 

Jessica loved being with someone who didn’t know about her twin and thought she was unique. [Hasn’t Christopher read these books?]

He brushed her questions away, not wanting her to know he was a murderer. I want to know all about you [Where you sleep, where you live, whether I can wear you skin and whether there are any dogs on the property.]

Don’t order dessert, Jessica! [he’s possibly worried she will feel the need to put out. Husband clearly doesn’t realise this is Sweet Valley, and nobody has genitals here.]

“Elizabeth was practising the recorder.” The FUCK?

Husband’s Epic Mis-read:

“ Jessica made a disgusting noise and stood up. ” [Incredulously] WAIT did she just fart?! I just feel like that’s something Wakefields don’t do! “I’m going swimming,”  she announced. ” At this point he is ROFL.  [I think it probably read ‘disgusted’].

 

Key scenes:

When A.J.’s essay wins:

So the only reason Liz didn’t win is because she was too busy pitying orphans to enter?

When Jessica is being a whiny bitch and her friends call her on it during A.J.’s absence:

Wait  – Steve is jousting Jessica’s underage friend Cara? This is weird. And it’s only chapter two. Also Jessica’s friends are all horrible.

 It had been a long since Jessica had felt like the centre of attention. I find that hard to believe!

Lip biting, eyes widening, heart pounding…. I knew it! AJ is Jessica’s dealer and she’s tweaking! It all makes sense! [Uh, obvs he needs to read about Regina Morrow and Molly Hecht and the other bad people.]

“Maybe I’ll drown myself to teach them a lesson, she thought.” What is wrong with this person?

“Going to the party without A.J. just wouldn’t look right” – yeah, cause blonde Jessica going out with young Chuck Norris looks normal. Also, she needs some hobbies.

“Jessica sank into a deep depression.”  Uha. Cause that’s what this is. Not sure if this was printed pre or post Prozac, but it may assist. Also, the ghostwriters need some training. Besides, neglect and abandonment should be something she is used to, due to Ned’s shit parenting [again, has he been reading these books?]

 

When Jess is confessing to Liz about cheating on A.J. with a psychopath:

“Jessica was deeply troubled” – never a truer word was spoken!

“Elizabeth was bewildered that Jessica would treat on A.J. so casually! [This is a surprise?]…Elizabeth was on her side” [even though she is in danger of being murdered due to Jessica’s stupid decisions by virtue of their size six identical-ness??]

When Liz adopts an orphan for her latest project, The Big Sister Program and they are stalked by Jessica’s new boyfriend:

“Each had a young motherless girl for a little sister.” THE FUCK!? So the object was to remind that kid how shit their life was, at least once a week.

“ “Want to go to the mall? she asked Kim.  [just to show you all the things you can’t afford!]

“Flirtatious boys exasperated her!” [she was too busy belittling little girls with no parents]

The Citizen’s Ball:

This sounds like a scene from the purge. Maybe it’s a satanic cult, the twins were conceived with tannis root and now they’re going to be sacrificed. After all, the ball is exactly as old as the twins and it IS a Wakefield-centric universe

[Disapprovingly reading about the décor.] Chinese lanterns with US flags?? 

Reading: “The Wakefields were buttering up the Morrows for the swingers club tomorrow night” [at this point I didn’t even look up – I swear, has he been reading these books?]

Elizabeth’s kidnapping:

For a supposedly smart girl, she is dumb as fuck. She actually went with this guy so Jessica can get a crown for something she didn’t earn!!? [In disbelief]: Did Jessica seriously let her twin go and get dumped in a shallow grave by this stalker so she could be crowned queen? And Liz is fine with this?

“In the back of her mind Elizabeth revisited being knocked out by an orderly during her years as a candy striper at Fowler memorial.” Wait, this chick has been kidnapped before? Also, despite that she thinks the Big Sister gig was the hardest volunteer job she’d had?

Elizabeth knew that the farther way from the lights and people they walked, the more at risk she was. No shit. He sounded so reasonable, so sane, that it did not match the cold knife pressing against her skin [shakes head in disbelief]

Husband’s keen observations:

So. Much. Phallic. Imagery: “sand trickled….silence stretched out SO LONG that Jessica had to finally look up..Jessica swallowed [and zipped up his pants]…”

The Wakefield’s dog Prince albert is named after a penis piercing [I have no idea how he knows this]

Jessica seems unable to sit, and across the entire book manages to plop, flop,  slop, sag slump and frump like some kind of aqueous semi gelatinous creature, or a hot water bottle.

Do any of the readers actually know what a bucket seat, or a Fiat Spider is? [I sheepishly admit no, but its not ‘coz I’m a woman, ok]

Why is Liz always described as wearing a wristwatch, yet never has one on the covers?

Lila uses an oriental rug as a beach towel?! Why?

Elizabeth grins all the fucking time.

Everything revolves around these twins and their white privileged world!

 

The Big Question: Liz or Jess [still thinking]

So there you have it, a husband’s reading of a classic Sweet Valley title which will no doubt lead him to a deeper understanding of my psyche.

 I guess my promise to be less snarky lasted all of one recap! I feel so bad for how horrible we are to Liz. She really did nothing to deserve it, just being kind and responsible and taking the fall for Jess. Sorry Lizzie.

And finally, from the back page:

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Exactly where is Sally Porter? ‘Coz my letter is on the way and I expect a sticker in return!!! If someone can find Sally, I will be eternally grateful #findsallyporter

 

4 Responses to “Two Boy Weekend: A Husband Recap”

  1. Emma March 12, 2019 at 8:51 pm #

    I am SO PLEASED that you’re back. I saw your email after a seven year absence and my jaw dropped open in disbelief.

    Welcome back. I love you. 🤣

  2. Ms. Kitsch April 26, 2019 at 11:13 pm #

    This was hysterical! You and your husband are the best snarking duo ever and I hope you do another recap together!! I hadn’t read this book yet but now it’s definitely next on my list!

    Also, how many times has Liz been kidnapped?! Good lord…

    • winstonegbert April 27, 2019 at 6:29 am #

      I’m working him up to the Margo miniseries / the werewolves

      • Ms. Kitsch April 27, 2019 at 10:55 pm #

        Oh. My. God. That’s going to be AMAZING!

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