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5 times Ned Wakefield was THE WORST

9 Mar

1. In # 21, Runaway, when he allows, nay, encourages, his favourite twin Liz to cover his own client’s custody case for The Oracle and spends the entire book driving Jessica to run away with drink driving Nicky Shepherd (whose parents are divorced, THE HORROR)

(See podcast recapped by #SweetValleyDiaries)

2. In # 1, Double Love, for definitely having sex with Mariana West

3. In the Super Thriller “Terror at Sea” duology when he doesn’t let his family know that psychokiller John Marin is after his daughters; and then tries to cure Liz’s PTSD by taking her ON A FUCKING BOAT

4. In #102, “Almost Married”, for leaving his teenage daughters alone for a week by going on a business trip at the same time as wife Alice and coming home drunk; just TWO books after his daughter was up on a DUI charge and almost hacked to death by a plotting murderess in the form of Margo Black.

5. For being allergic to all Chinese food, as announced in #17, Love Letters. Doesn’t really qual as shit parenting, but also makes no sense.

It’s no wonder Nalice were totally obsolete in the TV show.

Far From the Shallow Now or SVU#31: Lifeguards “The Truth About Ryan”

1 Mar

 

svu ryan

 

We’re not in Sweet Valley anymore. That’s right, we’re in Sweet Valley Shore, where the twins and all their friends have taken jobs as live-in lifeguards. Gone are the summers spent super-sleuthing around sweet valley in the fiat, getting locked in a tower by European royals, or saving the universe through investigative journalism. Some things never change though, and the book starts with Liz on the side of the road in her jeep, which has broken down AGAIN [not at the hands of Todd, an earthquake, or a psycho stalker this time though]. Due to these pesky jeep issues, she missed an important date with current BF, chief lifeguard Ryan Taylor, who is celebrating one year of sobriety. So after staying up all night waiting for a prognosis on the car, she gets all prima donna with the creepy mechanic [who, like many characters in SVU doesn’t buy into the Wakefield BS], and finally hails a cab to the beach to start her 8am shift. By that stage, Ryan is over her and her uptight ways, and has fallen off the wagon. Ryan becomes cold and withdrawn. The Liz-Ryan plot, in short:

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500 Christmases later….

23 Feb

Well that 7 years went by in the blink of an eye. That would be what, 50 years in Sweet Valley time? Even longer in Jessica standard time? Lilely encompassing 500 Christmases, 200 pool pushes and 137 shoulder pats. But hey, who’s counting.

IMG_1397

 

[Current Mood]

Since last post, [which was around the time I was receiving my degree, starting life as a junior doctor and ending a 5 year relationship], I threw myself into a career in medicine which has been both demanding and incredibly rewarding, met my trustyhusband, [kind of a Morrow-Wilkins-Johnny Buck hybrid] and basically abandoned most creative pursuits. [Without so much as a goodbye, I now realise. How Grace Fowler of me!]  And recently, shortly after taking up meditation during my six month sabbatical, I realised that I Want Sweet Valley Back in my life. So when my mother, after 20 years, decided to renovate my childhood bedroom [the nerve!] and to abandon my entire YA collection to A CRATE IN THE GARAGE, I decided to re-adopt these fine works of literature into the marital home.

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Let’s all make memes and laugh at Elizabeth: SVH #84 “The Stolen Diary”

5 May

I’m going to give you the distilled version, so we can have fun with the cover.

I mean, what is with that expression? She looks like she’s just seen one of Jessica’s dead boyfriends. Or walked in on Collins and Ms Dalton in the staffroom. Either that or it’s Margo. The deadpan eyes give it away. Anyhow: –

Todd wants to date other people. [At least he’s being up front about it.] He takes up with a hot junior called Peggy, who Elizabeth thinks is silly and frivolous which probably means she is cool and more fun than yours truly.

After about four chapters of Liz moping and sloping around and pretending to listen to Enid prattle on, Liz accepts a date to the 137th school dance of the semester. The lucky sod is Kris Lynch, a cartoonist from the Oracle. Elizabeth is clearly disinterested and using the poor boy as a weapon to get at Todd, which fortunately doesn’t seem to be working.

Kris spends the next fortnight trying to get into Elizabeth’s freshly ironed Bermuda shorts [or are we at the chino stage? It’s 1992, after all]. He also has a tanty, John Pfeifer-style, when she cock-blocks him at Miller’s point.  Don’t ask me where Penny Ayala drags up these staff members from.

Anyway, Kris comes to school on Monday with blue balls and a white rose, and Liz is all forgiving. How lovely. I would be insulted myself, given that white roses usually mean death. But whatevs.

Later that day, rumours start flying around that Lizzie lost her V-plates in the back seat of Kris’ Cadillac. She is the laughing stock of the entire school, except for one person……after hearing about Elizabeth’s wild night of passion, Todd wants her back!

This makes me laugh. Poor Todd. He is so hard up.

But that’s not all – mysteriously, Elizabeth’s diary goes missing temporarily for a few days.

In the meantime, Kris starts telling the entire school the “intimate” details of Liz and Todd’s relationship, and all of Enid’s boring secrets that were kept by wondertwin. I wonder how he found all that out?? So to does Liz, the supposed genius of the fucking Wakefield family.

So Liz now has no boyfriend, and no annoying auburn-haired hanger on. She feels very puzzled and alone.

Until Jessica realises what has happened, and goes and forces Kris to fess up to Todd and Enid, and all is forgiven and everyone goes to Guidos and eats pizza like Robin Wilson when nobody’s watching….

I was kind of disappointed by the ending. Surely Jessica could do something slightly more creative and vicious to publicly humiliate Kris? A twin switch wouldn’t have hurt in this situation.

But I will leave you with this, a quote from Lila Fowler: “Just the idea somebody reading MY DIARY gives me the creeps”.

Wait, Lila has a secret diary? Magna edition, anyone? What I wouldn’t give to read that.

But let’s get on with the memes:

 

If you also want to mock Liz head over to http://memegenerator.net to make your own captions.

Love you long time, Winston.

The one where Enid Rollins gets out-doormated : SVH #87 “My Best Friend’s Boyfriend”

28 Jan

Check out this entry from Wikipedia’s Sweet Valley High page:

                                                                                   

My Best Friend’s Boyfriend  Liz finds out that Her boyfriend, Todd, is also dating Jessica, who is also dating Bruce, who is also dating Cara, who is also dating John, who is also dating Lila, who is also dating Steven, who is also dating Betsy Martin, who is also dating Winston, who is also dating Liz

                                                                                                 

Clearly an ex-ghostie with a sense of humor.

Either way, it sounds better than the acual book. Especially the bit about Betsy Martin dating Winston.

Indeed, the real story is much suckier. It’s the story of two SVH juniors we’ve never heard of before or since – Denise Hadley and Ginny Belasca. Denise is a gorgeous redhead with a trusty boyfriend Jay, while Ginny is the plain looking, subordinate, doormat friend who idolises her.

[Liz/Enid haters: Sound familiar?]

Here’s how it plays out:

Scene 1

Sweet Valley Mall

Denise: My boyfriend Jay is so wonderful and awesome and he loves me. Does this hat make my head look big? Oh and did I mention my boyfriend Jay?

Ginny: You’re so wonderful Denise! I am so grateful to be fortunate enough to go to the mall and look for clothes for you. Did I mention I am ugly?

Denise: Don’t worry  – you have great inner beauty. [actual quote]

Scene 2

Project Youth Headquarters

Amy Sutton: Hello, this is project youth

Student: Hi there. Today my teacher cracked on to me.

Amy Sutton: Here, talk to someone else. [presses “Line 2”]

Amy Sutton: Oh, hey Jessica. Today a teacher cracked on to a student at our school!

Jess [shouting]: Hey Liz, I’ve got gossip.

Liz: This is so sad and horrible. I am enraged! [Balls fists].

Scene 3

Project Youth Headquarters

Ginny: Hmm, I think I will work at project youth. Maybe it will make popular people like Amy Sutton like me.

Ginny: Hello, this is Project Youth. [Never mind that I just walked in off the street and have no formal training.]

Mike: Oh, hey. I am so bummed. I have a stepdad. Which is pretty much the worst thing one can have in this town.

Ginny: OMG a child of divorce?

Stunned Silence.

 Ginny: Wanna talk?

Mike: blah de blah de blah….oh hey, wanna go out sometime?

Ginny: Well, I’m pretty sure that’s breaking rule number one…but when Amy Sutton sets the rules around here I don’t see why not!

Scene 4

Belasca Residence

Ginny: Denise, I am so ugly! I cannot go out with this Mike guy! He will hate me!

Denise: Oh okay. I will do you a massive favour and pretend to be you. That should work, I mean the Wakefields do it all the time.

Ginny: Oh Denise, you are the best friend ever!

Scene 5

Guidos Pizzeria

Denise-as-Ginny: You must be Mike! I think I am in love!

Mike, to himself: This is the most boring date of my life. Still, she’s a babe so I think I’ll ask her out again.

Scene 6

Project Youth Headquarters

Mike [on the phone]: Hey Ginny. You were acting weird last night, but I think we should go out again. Also, your voice keeps changing.

Ginny: OK. I had fun with you at Caseys yesterday.

Mike: But we went to Guidos.

Scene 7

Dairi Burger, the following day

Denise: Ginny, you have to come on our date. I am in love with Mike but we have nothing to talk about.

Mike: Hi Ginny. Hi Ginny’s friend.

Denise-as-Ginny: Oh Mike! I am in love with you. Jay who?

Ginny-as-Denise: Hi Mike, I am Denise.

Mike: Hi Denise. [they joke around for two minutes.]

Denise-as-Ginny: Wow, you two are hitting it off. Too bad I called dibs.

Mike: Can’t we just talk about all my problems Ginny? You are very selfish in real life.

Denise: Wanna hang out again tomorrow Mike?

Mike: Yeah but can you bring Denise?

Scene 8

Project Youth Headquarters

Mike [on the phone to the real Ginny]: I know what’s going on! Sorry it took me so long to work out – I am very slow because my parents are divorced. I completely understand why you sent your friend in your place as she is must better looking, however I think we should date because I like dumping all my divorce-child-angst on you.

Ginny: Oh Mike, how sweet! Wanna fall in love and travel into Sweet Valley Oblivion together!

Mike: Sure !

Meanwhile, back at school:

Liz: Mr Collins! I am going to write an independent review in the Oracle about this horrible teacher-student relationship situation! Do you know that a teacher in this town hit on a student?

Mr Collins: Oh, erm, uh, I dunno Liz. I don’t think you should write that article. Can’t you just stick to eyes and ears or the perils of divorce?

Penny Ayala: Don’t worry Liz, we are kick ass feminist writers. Let’s ignore our principal’s refusal to publish our story and run it anyway!

Mr Collins: Oops, sorry girls! Just walked into the wrong bathroom by mistake again! Principal Cooper wants to speak to you

Principal “Chrome Dome” Cooper: You girls have been very deceitful but because one of you is a Wakefield, I will overlook it.

But now let me leave you with a rather ominous quote from the book:

A quote from the Oracle meeting with Liz, Penny, Olivia Davidson and John Pfeifer [who in no less than three books turns into a rapist and a pyromaniac.]

‘It’s a subject that nobody talks about and I think that’s a dangerous thing. A lot of girls can get hurt by the silence,’ said Elizabeth.

John put down the photographs and nodded emphatically.

‘I totally agree, for another reason,’ he said. ‘There are lots of things that guys don’t realise are offensive to girls unless someone tells them. Men and women see things differently, and sometimes you might have to tell guys how a girl sees a situation that might be scary to her.’

It’s scary alright….

The One Where Nicholas Morrow proves he’s still got it: SVH #26 “HOSTAGE”

14 Jan

I recently spent an entire 22-hour plane ride engrossed in “Dancing on My Grave”, the tell-all autobiography of America’s prima ballerina Gelsey Kirkland. It’s a haunting read, depicting the mental torment of Kirkland, [who is in my opinion the greatest classical ballerina of the 20th century] and her well-publicised battle with cocaine.

So as I drifted off to sleep in that mid-afternoon, jet-lagged haze, where do you think my thoughts took me? To Baryshnikov? No! To the New York City Ballet? No!

Engrained in my conscious from a very young age is of course that ominous association between cocaine and…. Regina Morrow.

Oh,oh with white teeth

Oh, oh Regina…. [I googled this. I think it’s a Bjork song]

Now I’ve recapped Regina’s untimely end previously, so when I was wide awake at 4am the following day, I started reading this epic little piece of fiction: SVH #26 “Hostage”. It’s the story of Bruce and the twin’s secret mission to free Regina from a “mean little man” [their words, not mine] and his evil accomplice.

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Return Of The Evil Twin: A Sweet Valley Drinking Game

1 Dec

Everyone knows the story. After all, it’s pretty much a rehash of SVH #100, on acid.

In short:

The previous Christmas, Crazy Margo from Long Island came to Sweet Valley to find the Wakefield twins, who happened to look EXACTLY like her, only blonde. After failing to knock off Elizabeth, she fell to her death in the Fowler’s pool house… or so we thought

Turns out she hid in the Wakefield’s basement and the local graveyard hatching murderous plots and rasping lots. [I bet she got MEGA skinny down there. Maybe a 4? Suck on that, Wakefields.]

This Christmas, Margo’s long-lost equally psycho twin has arrived from the Deep South and together they set out to take their rightful place in the Wakefield family [but they come to blows over who bags Jessica’s identity this time. Ha.]

Meanwhile, the real twins are fighting again, after Jessica saves Todd from a burning car wreck and Liz gets the shits. Also, it’s NYE so they’re off to a big carnival with a house of mirrors for Margo to play hell with.

After loads of twin/evil twin switching, Jessica ends up bound and gagged at school [nice work, Margs], while Nora stabs Margo to death in Jessica’s bed. Only everyone thinks Jessica is dead so they hold a fucking state funeral at Sweet Valley High.

Still with me?

Elizabeth is once again faced with two copies of her mirror image in front of her, and the dilemma of which one to kill. Nora is whisked away by police [BORING!] and everyone has a huge party and Todd and Liz pash and everyone is sixteen again for the fifth successive Christmas.

So if that wasn’t awesome enough [don’t know about you but I’m still in stitches], I now invite you to partake in the second part of this recap: The Return of The Evil Twin Drinking Game

You will need:

3-9 players

Warm wine in paper cups/ Magic Grain Flask Alcohol / any other intoxicating liquor you can get your hands on [I hear Betsy Martin has a stash]

A printed copy of the following character cards, which you can glue to a piece of sturdy cardboard and cut into equal sized rectangles

A copy of ROTET in reasonable condition, available at any decent ebay store

A paper cup labelled “Jungle Prom Juice” to be placed in the centre of the table

 Instructions:

Place the character cards face down on your table

Each draw a card from the character pile. This is your character for the game.

Whoever drew Enid starts as the reader.

Read out the instructions from the list below and follow them when you get the appropriate cue from the book.

After each chapter [or earlier if you’re drunk enough], switch readers in a clockwise direction

Drinking Game Rules:

  1. Every time the word rasping is mentioned, all take a shot
  2. Every time Jessica and Todd have a “moment”: Elizabeth takes a shot
  3. During Todd and Ken’s erotic hot dog scene [ref: page 178] Todd and Ken take a shot
  4. Whenever Margo and Nora fight over Jessica, Jessica takes a shot
  5. When the words “bloodcurdling” “glittering knife” or “tears streaming down her face” are mentioned, all take a shot
  6. Every time Nora detects a scent, Nora takes a shot. If the scent is detected via telephone, Nora takes two shots.
  7. Every time there is a twin or evil twin switch [e.g. Margo impersonating Jessica], all four twins take a shot each.
  8. Every time Enid is being a deadpan kiss-ass drone [read: mentioned], each tip one shot into the “Jungle Juice” cup.
  9. When Margo wolfs down three hot dogs in a row, all take a shot [It’s been a tough year, OK!]
  10. Every time an outfit is described, Lila takes a shot
  11. Every time someone leaves the house wearing half a santa costume, take a shot
  12. Every time a dead boyfriend is mentioned, Jessica takes a shot
  13. Every time Nalice make an insensitive comment about “clones”, Margo takes a shot
  14. Every time a twin senses the other’s presence, tip a shot into the Jungle Juice Cup
  15. Every time one of the Black/Chappelle twins says “Patience” take a shot
  16. Whenever Margo and Nora come to blows, take two shots
  17. Every time the whole gang’s hanging out, take two shots
  18. Whenever Nora/Margo spy on the Wakefields, all the girls tip a shot in the bowl
  19. Whenever Bruce is mentioned, all the boy characters take a shot
  20. Whenever Margo and Nora have “Wakefield Trivia Time”, all take a shot
  21. Whenever Ken says something corny, all the girls take a shot
  22. Place all the character cards face down in the centre and re-draw. Whoever gets Margo finishes off the Jungle Juice.

 Character Card Sheet:

Click on the image to make the characters larger to print.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any Martin-like activity or any injuries incurred when you play this game. I also don’t encourage drunkenness so remember this is a guide only.

Think of it as my Christmas present to you. As I am off celebrating my graduation overseas I probably won’t have time to post till the New Year. But rest assured, a copy of “The Evil Twin” is waiting in my backpack for Christmas Eve.  Happy Horrordays – and wreck the halls with bloody bodies!

Winston

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