Tag Archives: clones

What’s wrong with this picture? Or #13 “Kidnapped”

28 Jun

Elizabeth tried out her #1 self defence weapon – her extraordinarily long arm

We begin with a chapter that is wrong it so many ways I have isolated only the top three:

1] Jessica is waiting for Liz to return from an evening of saving the world, so they can attend a glitzy party at the home of Sweet Valley’s newest millionaires, the Morrows. She is squeezing into a piece of blue silk that would probably ashame Betsy Martin, and her zipper gets stuck! Too many onion rings at the Dairi Burger, methinks!

Luckily, Steven is home from college AGAIN [seriously, Nalice is paying his fees for this??] so he comes to the rescue. And here, I quote one of the most twisted and incestuous pieces from Sweet Valley high to date:

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The one where the ghostwriters are on acid, or SVH #99 “Beware the Babysitter”

24 Jun

We skip to the fifth installment of the “Terror” Miniseries, one book after Lila’s parents remarry each other, and one book before The Evil Twin messes up big time and fails to murder Elizabeth Wakefield.

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Winston Bags a Unicorn or SVT#52, Booster Boycott

17 Jun

Winston didn’t know what was more cheer-worthy – the fact that he was in a club with the horniest girls in school, or that he had narrowly escaped a Todd-punch.

The unicorns are in turmoil! Someone forgot to wear purple? No… Someone got caught speaking to Lois Waller in the cafeteria? No….Johnny Buck is dead?

Wrong again!

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Hello world! #3 PLAYING with FIRE

16 Jun


[The one where Jessica entwines herself around her beloved boyfriend – their words, not mine]

We begin at Sweet Valley High’s homecoming dance where I have been elected fall king and Jessica sociopath Wakefield is fall queen [that’s the first fall by the way, although we have about 137 summer vacations that year.]

Fran-Pasc gives some fairly harsh and unflattering descriptions of my dancing style:

“Winston did a quick shuffle, nearly tripping over his gangly legs.”

“Winston ran in circles around her, comically kicking his feet and clapping his hands”… so it’s little wonder that Jess ditches me to dry hump with wealthy Bruce Patman.

Creepy Collins comes out of the girl’s bathroom for long enough to award Jess and Bruce winners of the dance-off [what is this, GREASE?], but luckily Saint Liz is there to have a root [beer] with me and cheer me up. Because we gangly class clowns get down sometimes, y’know.

Oh and then there’s this dodgy subplot about the token school band, the Droids, getting screwed over by some LA-based music agent. Hmmm.

Next thing I know the gang’s at Ken’s after-party where Jess palms me off to her attaché Robin Wilson. Bruce wastes no time in luring Jess into the bushes. Yes, there is boob-groping and bikini untying. Those early ghosties sure knew how to start a party.

Page 31 is my favorite: “He responded by turning his face to hers and kissing her hard, his arms crushing her against him, his mouth demanding what his body wanted to take.” Ooh la la.

Saint Liz chases B and J into the bushes to try and knock some sense into her sister [and Bruce is all yee-haa now there’s two of them] but then poor sod stays up worrying about Jess till the bad twin comes home at 3am. Ah the joys of being four minutes [decades] older.

Jessica continues slutting around with Bruce, which basically means sitting around her bedroom waiting for him to call/ pick her up in 1BRUCE1 and deliberately losing tennis matches so he won’t be threatened by her. GRIPE#1 – This part always bothered me about Jess Wakefield. I always thought she was a bit of a feminist, not in the girl-scout-turned-star writer-for-the-oracle-beauty-pageants-are-the-devil way of Saint Liz, but in more of a pom-pom-toting-up-for-anything kind of way.

Anyhow –

When Bruce is taking out the other blonde of the month, Jess continues using her new “friend” [parasite], phi alpha beta wannabee Robin Wilson [who, in case you didn’t know, is fat. More on that minority group later.]

Anyway – one Friday night, I’m lucky enough to get invited on a date with Liz and Todd. Awesome! How kind of Liz to bring tubby Wilson [who happens to have a massive crush on me] for company! Naww… she really knows how to kill two birds with one stone. So while we’re cruising back from the Droid’s concert in the Todd-mobile we get classic Todd moment #1 “Bruce has been making it very clear that he’s getting everything he wants out of [Jessica]. And whenever he wants it, too.”

OMG? A Wakefield? Doing the unspeakable? My jaw must have opened so wide my braces fell off and landed on my model aeroplane. But don’t worry, JW is re-virginised by book 107 and Sweet Valley returns to its pure, sexless order.

We get a few more angsty droids moments, a few more Jess and Bruce PDAs and Jessica somehow manipulating Emily Mayer to cheat on a chemistry test for her [why do I still love this girl?]

And finally – the bit we’ve all been waiting for, where Wakefield triumphs over manwhore.

It’s Bruce’s birthday, which I somehow managed to fangle an invite to. We kick off with Robin announcing “I’m going to check out the food” [yep, I somehow happen to be at the hors d’oeuvres stand at that exact moment].

After the gang goes to Guidos, Bruce suddenly has to take off to see his sick grandma [yep, he played that card] and so Liz, Todd and Jess take off. The Liz has to go back for her jacket [the bitch] and drags Jess back into Guidos only find Bruce with a gorgeous redhead.

Then Jess is all to you from me pinky lee with the soda and Bruce is humiliated all the way back to his Porsche [which she so spitefully slashes the tyres of.] And then she LINKS ARMS WITH ME BECAUSE SHE OWES ME A DATE and we go back into Guidos and eat pizza with tubby Wilson all night. Ahhh.


I should mention one instance where the subplot gets mildly scandalous, at band practice in Max Dellon’s basement where they have…cigarettes. Cigarettes? In Sweet Valley? Wait, they weren’t at Kelly’s?

I can only hope one of them had a rare lung disorder and died instantly to TEACH US ALL A LESSON

Question of the Week:

Who is hotter- Bruce Patman or Winston Egbert? [pick me! Pick me!]

Oh and let me know what you think of this blog! Despite being a computer nerd, my alter ego is not!

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