Tag Archives: John Marin

Which Sweet Valley Villain Are You? Take the Quiz!

31 Oct

 Happy Halloween!

Circle the answer which suits you best to find out which baddie you are.

What is your weapon of choice?

A] My bare hands, or at the right time of month, claws.

B] Anaesthetic gases

C] A glittering butcher’s knife

D] A sleek dagger

E] My charm

F] An axe

Which Wakefield twin would you rather kill?

A] Jessica

B] Neither, I would rather undo Elizabeth’s braid and molest her hair

C] Elizabeth [in a rasping voice]

D] Jessica [in a Southern drawl]

E] After I’ve had my way with both of them, I’ll drown them together.

F] Jessica “Blondie” Wakefield

Who is your dream Sweet Valley lover?

A] Elizabeth

B] Elizabeth [in between heavy breathing]

C] Bruce Patman

D] Whatever Margo said

E] Both Wakefields, simultaneously

F] Lover? What’s wrong with being a misunderstood hermit?

Where would we find you at midnight on a Friday?

A] The Slaughtered Lamb, if the moon is full

B] Lurking around the gynaecology ward at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital

C] Kelly’s Roadhouse Bar, or the Shady Lady if that’s where the night takes me

D] The graveyard

E] Aboard my 16ft yacht, The Emily Dickenson

F] The woods

What is your lasting memory of Sweet Valley?

A] I’ve never been, but I hung out one Summer with a pair of very fetching but very annoying intern journalists.

B] Lurking around the hospital car park at night.

C] Fooling an entire town into believing I was Liz Wakefield. Including Lila Fowler.

D] Murdering my twin at the Wakefield’s house.

E] Spending 10 years in prison only to wreak havoc on that bastard, Ned Wakefield

F] I haven’t left Camp Echo Mountain for thirty five years! Mwah ha ha ha

If you answered mostly:

A] Luke Shepherd

Befriended by Elizabeth Wakefield during her summer internship at the London Journal, you are a sensitive poetic type with a hard edge – and a set of hairy claws to match. You are a particularly stupid villain, as you put the idea into her head that a werewolf might be responsible for the London murders. That werewolf turned out to be you. Dumbass.

Villain rating: 2 knives.

B] Carl-the-Orderly.

Renowned as Sweet Valley’s biggest creep, you managed to anaesthetise and kidnap Elizabeth while she was volunteering as a candy striper at Joshua Fowler memorial hospital. She was so pure, and so sensitive, and so kind, and yet when you had her tied to your couch, all you managed to do was untie her braid and feed her blueberry pancakes.

Villain rating: 3 knives

  C] Margo Black.

The greatest psycho killer Sweet Valley, nay, the world has ever seen, you almost managed to off Elizabeth, and then Jessica, on successive New Years Eves. Your rasping was unrivalled, your collection of glittering knives incredible and your ability to impersonate both twins was admirable. Sweet Valley hungrily awaits your second return from the dead.

Villain rating: 5 knives.

D] Nora Chappelle [Black]

Best known as Margo’s identical twin, you surfaced from the deep south in Return of the Evil Twin to pick up where your wicked sister left off. Although slightly tamer than knife-wielding Margo, your bizarrely acute sense of smell worked to your advantage. It was you who managed to murder Margo in the end….Or did you?

Villain rating: 4 knives

E] John Marin

Perhaps Sweet Valley’s most eloquent baddie, you manipulated both twins into thinking you were The One. Disguised as a sensitive writer for Elizabeth, and a hot TV producer for Jessica, you lured both twins onto your boat where you almost delivered the fatal blow. Your motive? Revenge on Ned Wakefield, the multi-skilled lawyer who put you behind bars a decade ago. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and you served it on a silver platter, my man. Kudos.

Villain rating: 4.5 knives

F] Crazy Freddy

The laughingstock of villains in this series, you were clearly created at a time when Fran-Pasc was out of ideas for ways to kill the Wakefields. Campfire legends at Echo Mountain exaggerated stories of your wicked deeds, and you never quite lived up to the hype. Although you briefly managed to wave an axe over Jessica’s head, you never quite had us fooled. Crazy Freddy turned out to be nothing more than a misunderstood hermit.

Villain rating: 1 knives

The Wakefields get duped again: SVH Super Thriller “A Stranger in The House”

9 Jan

“A Stranger In The House” [I’m telling you, this guy should hook up with Margo].

Gaa, don’t you hate it when a psycho killer that your dad jailed ten years earlier comes to Sweet Valley under two different guises and convinces both you and your twin that he’s your soulmate?

I sure do!

Of course, we all know that everyone in the universe is obsessed with the Wakefields, so it’s only natural that John Marin would stalk the twins, with a view to wooing them, slaughtering them, and avenging his decade-long captivity.

In case you haven’t read all these books, Ned Wakefield is a specialist in at least 137 different branches of the legal system. We’ve already seen him in action in divorce and family law [the Ricky Capaldo case], criminal law [representing his own daughter after her DUI charge] and civil law [weighing in on the Patman/Fowler football field ownership dispute].

Of course, he still has time to run for mayor and be a devoted father. Not devoted enough, apparently, because while working in prosecution a decade ago, he only managed to put double-murderer Marin in the clink for ten years. Now, as Marin is freed from Sweet Valley jail on rather lofty parole conditions, Ned remembers the killer’s final words: “Your precious little girls will never be safe again!” Mwah ha ha!

Here is John Marin, just days before his release:

I am amused that he got scissors in jail. Also that he was allowed to tape myriad photos of the twinkies to his cell wall.

If you look closely, there is a photo of Jess and Lila at Paradise Spa, taken from the cover of “Murder in Paradise.” Up here for self-referentiality, Fran-Pasc.

Our story is set during the 11th summer after junior year, and the twins have started a new waitressing job at the Marina Café. Of course, they are brilliant at it. When a handsome scholar called Ben Morgan* puts the moves on Elizabeth, she finds herself cheating on Todd AGAIN. But it’s okay, you guys – she’s met her soulmate! I find it hard to believe that a guy who was jailed at 18 and probably hasn’t seen a book since is charming the pants off St Liz with his deep insights into 19th century literature. Also, he has enough money to buy a sixteen foot yacht, which he calls “The Emily Dickinson”.

Jessica, meanwhile, has forgotten poor old Ken Matthews, and is wrapped up in Scott Manderlake* a trendy TV intern who offers her a spot in his miniseries. [What is a television intern? Please enlighten.]

*Actually John Marin

Marin, meanwhile, is having a ball toying with the twins. First he pulls a Margo and picks the lock on the Wakefield’s front door so he can get into Elizabeth’s secret diary. Then he rocks into Jessica’s world in a red Mazda Miata, [one of the most overused hot-person cars in this series] and he begins to plot the twins’ murder, which he will carry out on a boat. Marin, marine…it’s all in the name. My favorite is when he crouches in the bushes at Calico Drive, fantasizing about Alice in one of Jessica’s miniskirts. He even takes some photos, the perve!

On Saturday night, while Liz is moonlighting on a yacht with her literate lover “Ben”, Ned and his detective pal Cabrini finally tell Jessica about John Marin. “But Dad!” is her reply on seeing the mug shots. “I’ve been dating this guy ALL WEEK!”

If only the twins were still doing the job of the SVPD at the Sweet Valley News, dammit!

Finally, the A team hijacks a coast guard boat and rescues St Liz, just as Marin is arching his glittering knife through the air. Marin is initially reported to have drowned, but there’s a twist – he somehow gets back to the Wakefield’s, drugs Prince Albert and slugs Ned. But finally, we get a window-push, and Marin is handcuffed and transported to prison. The real police have yet to be called. But hey, who needs ‘em. Of course, Todd forgives the cheating minx and everyone sits down to a steaming cup of milky cocoa.

And only a week has elapsed.

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