Tag Archives: Lila Fowler

It’s Lila’s Turn For A Doppleganger: SVH Super Edition “Jessica Takes Manhattan.”

19 Nov

Finally! A Sweet Valley Super Edition that really delivers. I can’t believe it took me till now to find this gem.

Like all good Super Eds, it has all the essential ingredients – an unexpected vacation, a rock star, a gang of kidnappers and, of course, a doppelganger. Only this time, the plot centres on Lila. Can you tell already this book will be EPIC?

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Run, don’t walk from the zombie…..Or SVH #83 “Steven’s Bride”

10 Aug

Steven Wakefield is officially a zombie. Seriously. The guy’s about to celebrate the biggest day of his life and he can’t even muster an expression. Not even a hint of joy, or fear, or god help us, a vague look of interest in the woman he’s asked to become his wife.

This is Steven’s wedding look:

You will notice, it is pretty much the same as his grieving look:

And his “fond memories” look:

 

This is his “oh-fuck-my-parents-are-splitting-and-I’d-better-come-home-from-college-again-to-look-after-my-sisters” look.

Notice a difference? Nope, me neither

Poor Steven. I always give him such a bad rap. But seriously – all he seems to do is come home from college, date a bunch of high school girls, and mope around after they’ve died/moved on/ failed to embody Tricia Martin’s personality despite being her doppelganger.

And this time, he goes one better. He takes the advice of stupid, stupid Jessica and agrees to marry sixteen year old Cara Walker so she doesn’t move to London with her mom.

The background is that Steve and Cara have been dating for about fifty books, which probably equates to a few months in Sweet Valley land. During this time he has dumped her – twice – for a Tricia Martin clone, treated her like shit when he’s actually trying hard at law school, and come home from college repeatedly to hang out with her and the other high schoolers at the Beach Disco.

[I will ignore the fact that ten years later he is dating Aaron Dallas, because that casts a whole new light on what he actually got up to away at SVU.]

Anyway, Cara is being her usual boring self and tells her much cooler friends – Jessica and Lila – that she is moving to London for good. Jessica feels bad for her brother, because she knows how hard he took Tricia’s death, and losing another gf would be disaster! So the logical solution, she decides, is to convince Steven to marry Cara! In the end it takes just one conversation.

Although Cara is still in high school, and he is still grieving Tricia [not to mention the fact that Billie Winkler, aka love of his life, is still twenty-five books away], Steven has this response to Jessica’s bright idea:

“Why didn’t I think of that?” he shouted. “Jess, you’re a genius!”

The next 100 pages are dedicated to keeping the secret from their parents, and convincing Liz not to blab. There are 137 scenes of Steven and Cara agonizing about the situation and planning a civil ceremony with just the two of them. I want to shake them and remind them that if there are this many misgivings, it’s probably not the right thing to do.

Then Jessica discovers that Steven has turned down a lucrative scholarship for an intensive law program at SVU. She now decides to plot against the marriage and convince Cara of all the downsides of married life. She says impressive things like, “women are still repressed by the institution of marriage” and, “you’ll probably take up cooking and knitting.” This is a little funny ‘cause when Steven and Cara are finally hitched in ‘Confidential, Cara spends about 90% of her time in the kitchen.

Jessica’s scheming rocks the very unsteady foundations of this relationship, because Cara finds her voice and jilts Steven at the altar on the day of their elopement. Oh and the Wakefields are there. Liz blabbed.

Steven, naturally, is pissed, and he waits till Cara has boarded her flight to speed to the airport and declare his undying love. He says his final goodbye, knowing they are just too young to enter in to anything like marriage.

My advice to Steven: Cut your hair. Stick around at college for one weekend. Go to a frat party. Pash and dash.

I really dislike this spineless Steven. He was sooo much better as a fourteen year old in Sweet Valley Twins. No really – that kid rocked, and generally got the better of his sisters. Of course, it takes his hook up with Billie Winkler [his housemate, during Margo’s reign] to bring out some ‘tude in Steven – and replace his Bieber locks with a style more befitting a law major. Steven and Billie forever. You can hang your hat on that.

The French Are Doing It Better: LES JUMELLES DE SWEET VALLEY

16 Jan

Recently, I secured a copy of Les Jumelles De Sweet Valley California College: “Chacune pour soi” direct from France. Given that my French is limited to: “Je suis Winston. J’adore Maria Santelli”, the subject matter of this book is not particularly conducive to snark.

However, thanks to google translate, I managed to deduce that the book is called “Each Man For Himself” and is actually a [rough] translation of SVH #31, “Taking Sides”. I haven’t gotten around to recapping this one in English yet, but it’s the story of Lila and Enid vying for the affection of Sweet Valley High’s newest addition: Jeffery French. Because this is Sweet Valley, he is immune to everyone’s charms – except that of the pious do-gooder St Elizabeth Wakefield. Here’s hoping the book is better in another language.

Below is the blurb on the back cover, and its [googled] translation into English:

Un nouvel eleve vient d’arriver a Sweet Valley High. Jeffery, un garcon symp, bien dans sa peau, passionne de photos et champion de water-polo. Pas etonnant que toutes les filles soient folles de lui. Notamment la tres sexy Lisa, l’aime de Jessica, et la toute timide Enid, l’aimie d’Elizabeth. Chacune des jumelles va essayer d’aider son amie a seduire le beau Jeffery et ce n’est pas forcement la plus jolie ou la plus aguicheuse qui decrochera le gros lot.

A new student has just arrived Sweet Valley High. Jeffery, a boy symptoms, although in his skin, passionate, photos and champion water polo. No wonder that all girls are crazy about him. Including the very sexy Lisa, loves Jessica, and any timid Enid, loves Elizabeth. Each twin will try to help his friend to seduce the beautiful Jeffery and not necessarily the prettiest or the most alluring that hit the jackpot.

Ahem – who is Lisa? And when did Jeffery add water polo to his list of accomplishments? I got my French-competent dad to read chapter one for me, and it turns out that Lila Fowler is in fact one of the ladies vying for his attention [phew!] and that Jeffery is actually a soccer player [thankyou universe for restoring order.]
However, I’m super glad that the Parisians have clarified Enid’s love for Elizabeth, also that the person who “hit the jackpot” – Elizabeth – is neither the prettiest, nor the most alluring.

Suck à ce sujet, saint Elizabeth Wakefield

Go back to College, Steven or SVH # 135 Lila’s New Flame

18 Oct

Before I forget, the TEAM MARGO shirt is still up for grabs here

There is so much I love about this photo. It could only be better if the Chuck Bass of Sweet Valley [yes that’s you Bruce Patman], walked into the frame at that moment.

Since SVH junior year has reached 1997, there’s also some awesome outfits in this one:

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SWEET VALLEY REPEATS ITSELF!

2 Jul

Apparently Fran-Pasc’s ghostwriters were subscribers to the school of thought “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” In fact, they realized that if a story worked in one series, why not repeat it in another? And so we ended up with SVH#72, “Rock Star’s Girl” and SVT#55 “Brooke and Her Rock Star Mom” which are so freaking similar that I got some serious de ja vu…

“Brooke and Her Rock Star Mom” Courtesy of Amazon

“Rock Star’s Girl” Courtesy of Shannon’s Sweet Valley High Blog

SVT# 55 BROOKE AND HER ROCK STAR MOM SVH#72 ROCK STAR’S GIRL
PUBLISHED January 1992 February 1991
Central Character [to be relegated to third tier after this book] Brooke Dennis Andrea Slade
Rock Star Parent Constance “Coco” Gray Jamie Peters
Album Hot Coco Pride
Reason for being in Sweet Valley [centre of the universe] Brooke moved to Sweet Valley earlier in the year with her dad. Her mother, Mrs Gray, has been busy becoming a pop star in France [Fran-Pasc’s fave city] and has a new hubby and baby. She has moved to SV to be some semblance of a parent to her daughter. [maybe she will take parenting tips off Nalice??] Andrea moved to Sweet Valley with her Dad, who wanted a break from rock star life. They live on a massive property near the Morrow/Fowler/Patman estates.
Main Problem Coco’s manipulative agent Bernice wants Brooke and Coco’s new family to be kept a secret, as it could ruin Coco’s image! Oh no! So while Brooke’s friends at SVMS go “Coco crazy”, she has to hide out at her mother’s hotel and pretend she’s not interested. Also, Bernice bans her from going to her mother’s concert. Are you f#@*ing serious? Andrea wants to keep her father’s identity a secret so people will like her for who she is. Then, when Lila and Jessica hear about Jamie Peters moving to SV, they decide to follow him home and spy on him. And there he is, lounging by the pool at his Spanish-style villa – with Andrea! So of course this means she is his live-in-lover, and Jess/Lila spread rumors around SVH so that Andrea is shunned and dumped by her new bf.
Confides In [Who else??] Saint Liz Saint Liz[Seriously, why does she befriend all the new people for just one book and then move on to a new project once all their problems are solved??]
What Jessica “Joe Jackson” Wakefield tries to get out of it Front row tickets to rock star’s concert. She even starts the first “Coco Crazy” fan club. A dry hump with said rock star
Love interest Colin Harmon Nicholas Morrow [YAY!]
Climax Brooke runs away* Andrea runs away
Solution Rock star phones Liz Rock star phones Liz
Subplot The Wakefield’s threw a party the previous week and try to keep it a secret from Nalice. Of course, when they do own up, there is no punishment because their honesty is oh so admirable. Nice one, Nalice. Lila takes up the marimba and hopes to impress Jamie Peters with it [WTF?]

* fortunately, Jess happens to be at the bus stop as Brooke is making a run for it, so she coerces Brooke into hiding out IN THE WAKEFIELD’S BASEMENT FOR TWO DAYS until Saint Liz can drag her out with some berry pancakes

And another thing….

Nicholas Morrow takes Andrea out on his boat, called “Morning Glory”. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!! [For die-hards, the boat was actually called “My Favourite Twin” when he was hot for Elizabeth in SVH#18, Deceptions]

When they’re not going Coco Crazy or hiding their friends in the basement, the twins are getting psyched for Aunt Helen’s upcoming visit. Can someone tell me who Aunt Helen is? And where she fits into the whole Wakefield-ancestry thing that we have two whole magna editions devoted to in SVH????

Murder in Paradise

29 Jun

Imagine I’m a well-regarded journalist, and this is a reputable newspaper. You know, like Elizabeth Wakefield and her regular column in The Oracle. Because the shit that went down in this Super Thriller is seriously newsworthy.
MURDER IN PARADISE

Crazed Transplant Surgeon

Almost Ruins Perfect

Family

Above: Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield working on their tans at Paradise Spa

Above left: Elizabeth Wakefield captured by CCTV footage as she attempts to track down her missing mother.

From the outside, Paradise Spa Health Retreat was a safe haven, a luxurious escape from life in sunny California, where young women could be pampered in five star comfort, enjoy clean living for a weekend or even putt a couple of holes on unspoiled greens.

But inside lurked a hidden danger, a woman so obsessed with beauty that she would do anything – even murder – to achieve perfection among herself and her staffers.

Tatiana Mueller’s crazed obsession dates back to her days at Sweet Valley University, where she became infatuated with fellow college attendee Alice Wakefield. After graduating from medical school in the mid 70s, she devoted her life to cosmetic surgery in the hope that she could one day become the owner of Mrs Wakefield’s face. In the interim, she established a cult among employees at Paradise Spa, perfecting her craft by performing face transplants on wayward teens who would then work for her and become complicit in her exploits.

It was from these illusory environs that a mother-daughter group of Sweet Valley residents rescued late yesterday was lucky to survive.

Alice Wakefield thought luck was on her side when she received a phone call late last week from Paradise Spa offering her an all expenses paid luxury holiday with her twin daughters and three other friends. She, along with daughters Jessica and Elizabeth, and friends Grace and Lila Fowler and Enid Rollins, had enjoyed three days making the most of yoga, facial treatments and all the perks the spa had to offer.

Dr Mueller’s devious work began to unravel when cluey twin Elizabeth discovered the body of a former employee known only as Katya. It is believed this poor young girl, plucked from unattractiveness by Dr Mueller and given a lifeline, was brutally murdered by the surgeon after threatening to tell the Wakefield family the truth about Paradise Spa.

Dr Mueller is said to have told Fowler Memorial Hospital that Katya had a heart condition and thus would not require an autopsy. Forensic pathologists from the hospital will face questioning over claims of negligence.

Following this cruel act, Dr Mueller allegedly lured Alice Wakefield into her private surgery – a state-of-the-art facility with photos of the attractive blonde plastered on every wall – and began hypnosis.

Fortunately, the twins and disgruntled employees tracked down Dr Mueller and her team of surgeons before Alice’s face could be removed.

Police allege that as they handcuffed Dr Mueller, she lapsed into a delirious stream of conscience, claiming that she was once “ignored” and “ridiculed” by Mrs Wakefield, and that other students “flocked” to this “golden girl.”

Dr Mueller will face Sweet Valley local court on Tuesday and will not be released on bail.

The family was available to speak to the Tribune in the early hours of this morning.

Said daughter, Jessica Wakefield: “I was getting over the macrobiotic thing anyway. I could just die for some fries and a milkshake at Casey’s. Also, will this be on the front page?!”

Todd Wilkins, Elizabeth’s relieved boyfriend, commented, “I’m just so glad to have Liz back. I know this is the thirteenth time she’s cheated on me in our junior year, but she is the wholesome twin, after all. I’m sure she was just missing me.”

Also glad of the escape was Enid Rollins, Elizabeth’s friend who, feeling vulnerable after a recent relationship breakdown, was the subject of one of Dr Muller’s evil attempts to brainwash and reconstruct visitors to Paradise spa. Said Ms Rollins: “I just got so jealous of my sized six, blonde-haired friend and her equally attractive family. Now I realize that I need to accept my unfortunate looks and be grateful she even acknowledges my presence.”

Elizabeth is said to be part of a taskforce aiming to harness the technology Dr Mueller created and use it in the treatment of burns victims and survivors of war.

Alice Wakefield regrets that she only vaguely remembered Dr Mueller from SVU: “Perhaps, had I paid her more attention instead of whoring it up at the Theta house while my boyfriends called her ‘Tatty Mule’ this whole thing could have been avoided.”

It is a chilling tale, and today we remember those who died in a quest for beauty, and those who were fortunate enough to be born in a sun-streaked blonde-haired, size six body.

Above: Tatiana Mueller, whose quest to transplant Ms Wakefield’s face remains unfulfilled

Winston Egbert,

Sweet Valley Tribune

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