Tag Archives: Nalice

The One Where Nicholas Morrow proves he’s still got it: SVH #26 “HOSTAGE”

14 Jan

I recently spent an entire 22-hour plane ride engrossed in “Dancing on My Grave”, the tell-all autobiography of America’s prima ballerina Gelsey Kirkland. It’s a haunting read, depicting the mental torment of Kirkland, [who is in my opinion the greatest classical ballerina of the 20th century] and her well-publicised battle with cocaine.

So as I drifted off to sleep in that mid-afternoon, jet-lagged haze, where do you think my thoughts took me? To Baryshnikov? No! To the New York City Ballet? No!

Engrained in my conscious from a very young age is of course that ominous association between cocaine and…. Regina Morrow.

Oh,oh with white teeth

Oh, oh Regina…. [I googled this. I think it’s a Bjork song]

Now I’ve recapped Regina’s untimely end previously, so when I was wide awake at 4am the following day, I started reading this epic little piece of fiction: SVH #26 “Hostage”. It’s the story of Bruce and the twin’s secret mission to free Regina from a “mean little man” [their words, not mine] and his evil accomplice.

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The one where Trusty Boyfriend Todd triumphs over Bruce Patman… Almost Married

15 Sep

Our book begins in typical Sweet Valley fashion, with a make-out session between Liz and Todd at Miller’s Point. Of course, Elizabeth’s mind is elsewhere, which  – strangely enough –  always seems to happen whenever TBT is attacking her neck. This time, she is thinking about Bruce Patman, who is blaming her mother for his parent’s recent marriage woes, accusing her of being the other woman. Alice Perfect Wakefield? Oh noes!

Sadly, when Liz did some searching recently to prove Patman wrong, she found a picture of Alice, in a wedding dress, with Hank Patman. Busted!

But back to TBT, who is nuzzling Elizabeth’s earlobe with vigor. He suggests that next time their parents are out of town, he shacks up at the Wakefield’s.

Todd is thinking with his genitals. I am surprised.

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Danny is not your friend and he doesn’t want your help or Sweet Valley Twins #40, Danny Means Trouble

15 Jul

Before the shoulder pat, Saint Liz practised the “Creepy Peer From Afar” maneuver

Danny Jackson is a rebel. For one, his name sounds like that of a T-bird, or someone out of West Side Story. We know he is bad not only because he cuts Julie Porter’s hair and pokes fun at Ms Arnette, but because Jessica thinks he is hilarious, and Elizabeth is concerned about his welfare.

Unless you are Ellen Riteman or a like-minded moron, you will figure out by about chapter three that the reason Danny Jackson plays up is because he can’t read.

Elizabeth, of course, is onto it.

Hmm… I wonder why every time Danny is asked to read he makes a joke or pretends there is a mouse on the floor…AHA! Genius! Now I have an excuse to judge him and meddle in his life.

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2 Jul

Apparently Fran-Pasc’s ghostwriters were subscribers to the school of thought “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” In fact, they realized that if a story worked in one series, why not repeat it in another? And so we ended up with SVH#72, “Rock Star’s Girl” and SVT#55 “Brooke and Her Rock Star Mom” which are so freaking similar that I got some serious de ja vu…

“Brooke and Her Rock Star Mom” Courtesy of Amazon

“Rock Star’s Girl” Courtesy of Shannon’s Sweet Valley High Blog

PUBLISHED January 1992 February 1991
Central Character [to be relegated to third tier after this book] Brooke Dennis Andrea Slade
Rock Star Parent Constance “Coco” Gray Jamie Peters
Album Hot Coco Pride
Reason for being in Sweet Valley [centre of the universe] Brooke moved to Sweet Valley earlier in the year with her dad. Her mother, Mrs Gray, has been busy becoming a pop star in France [Fran-Pasc’s fave city] and has a new hubby and baby. She has moved to SV to be some semblance of a parent to her daughter. [maybe she will take parenting tips off Nalice??] Andrea moved to Sweet Valley with her Dad, who wanted a break from rock star life. They live on a massive property near the Morrow/Fowler/Patman estates.
Main Problem Coco’s manipulative agent Bernice wants Brooke and Coco’s new family to be kept a secret, as it could ruin Coco’s image! Oh no! So while Brooke’s friends at SVMS go “Coco crazy”, she has to hide out at her mother’s hotel and pretend she’s not interested. Also, Bernice bans her from going to her mother’s concert. Are you f#@*ing serious? Andrea wants to keep her father’s identity a secret so people will like her for who she is. Then, when Lila and Jessica hear about Jamie Peters moving to SV, they decide to follow him home and spy on him. And there he is, lounging by the pool at his Spanish-style villa – with Andrea! So of course this means she is his live-in-lover, and Jess/Lila spread rumors around SVH so that Andrea is shunned and dumped by her new bf.
Confides In [Who else??] Saint Liz Saint Liz[Seriously, why does she befriend all the new people for just one book and then move on to a new project once all their problems are solved??]
What Jessica “Joe Jackson” Wakefield tries to get out of it Front row tickets to rock star’s concert. She even starts the first “Coco Crazy” fan club. A dry hump with said rock star
Love interest Colin Harmon Nicholas Morrow [YAY!]
Climax Brooke runs away* Andrea runs away
Solution Rock star phones Liz Rock star phones Liz
Subplot The Wakefield’s threw a party the previous week and try to keep it a secret from Nalice. Of course, when they do own up, there is no punishment because their honesty is oh so admirable. Nice one, Nalice. Lila takes up the marimba and hopes to impress Jamie Peters with it [WTF?]

* fortunately, Jess happens to be at the bus stop as Brooke is making a run for it, so she coerces Brooke into hiding out IN THE WAKEFIELD’S BASEMENT FOR TWO DAYS until Saint Liz can drag her out with some berry pancakes

And another thing….

Nicholas Morrow takes Andrea out on his boat, called “Morning Glory”. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!! [For die-hards, the boat was actually called “My Favourite Twin” when he was hot for Elizabeth in SVH#18, Deceptions]

When they’re not going Coco Crazy or hiding their friends in the basement, the twins are getting psyched for Aunt Helen’s upcoming visit. Can someone tell me who Aunt Helen is? And where she fits into the whole Wakefield-ancestry thing that we have two whole magna editions devoted to in SVH????

Murder in Paradise

29 Jun

Imagine I’m a well-regarded journalist, and this is a reputable newspaper. You know, like Elizabeth Wakefield and her regular column in The Oracle. Because the shit that went down in this Super Thriller is seriously newsworthy.

Crazed Transplant Surgeon

Almost Ruins Perfect


Above: Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield working on their tans at Paradise Spa

Above left: Elizabeth Wakefield captured by CCTV footage as she attempts to track down her missing mother.

From the outside, Paradise Spa Health Retreat was a safe haven, a luxurious escape from life in sunny California, where young women could be pampered in five star comfort, enjoy clean living for a weekend or even putt a couple of holes on unspoiled greens.

But inside lurked a hidden danger, a woman so obsessed with beauty that she would do anything – even murder – to achieve perfection among herself and her staffers.

Tatiana Mueller’s crazed obsession dates back to her days at Sweet Valley University, where she became infatuated with fellow college attendee Alice Wakefield. After graduating from medical school in the mid 70s, she devoted her life to cosmetic surgery in the hope that she could one day become the owner of Mrs Wakefield’s face. In the interim, she established a cult among employees at Paradise Spa, perfecting her craft by performing face transplants on wayward teens who would then work for her and become complicit in her exploits.

It was from these illusory environs that a mother-daughter group of Sweet Valley residents rescued late yesterday was lucky to survive.

Alice Wakefield thought luck was on her side when she received a phone call late last week from Paradise Spa offering her an all expenses paid luxury holiday with her twin daughters and three other friends. She, along with daughters Jessica and Elizabeth, and friends Grace and Lila Fowler and Enid Rollins, had enjoyed three days making the most of yoga, facial treatments and all the perks the spa had to offer.

Dr Mueller’s devious work began to unravel when cluey twin Elizabeth discovered the body of a former employee known only as Katya. It is believed this poor young girl, plucked from unattractiveness by Dr Mueller and given a lifeline, was brutally murdered by the surgeon after threatening to tell the Wakefield family the truth about Paradise Spa.

Dr Mueller is said to have told Fowler Memorial Hospital that Katya had a heart condition and thus would not require an autopsy. Forensic pathologists from the hospital will face questioning over claims of negligence.

Following this cruel act, Dr Mueller allegedly lured Alice Wakefield into her private surgery – a state-of-the-art facility with photos of the attractive blonde plastered on every wall – and began hypnosis.

Fortunately, the twins and disgruntled employees tracked down Dr Mueller and her team of surgeons before Alice’s face could be removed.

Police allege that as they handcuffed Dr Mueller, she lapsed into a delirious stream of conscience, claiming that she was once “ignored” and “ridiculed” by Mrs Wakefield, and that other students “flocked” to this “golden girl.”

Dr Mueller will face Sweet Valley local court on Tuesday and will not be released on bail.

The family was available to speak to the Tribune in the early hours of this morning.

Said daughter, Jessica Wakefield: “I was getting over the macrobiotic thing anyway. I could just die for some fries and a milkshake at Casey’s. Also, will this be on the front page?!”

Todd Wilkins, Elizabeth’s relieved boyfriend, commented, “I’m just so glad to have Liz back. I know this is the thirteenth time she’s cheated on me in our junior year, but she is the wholesome twin, after all. I’m sure she was just missing me.”

Also glad of the escape was Enid Rollins, Elizabeth’s friend who, feeling vulnerable after a recent relationship breakdown, was the subject of one of Dr Muller’s evil attempts to brainwash and reconstruct visitors to Paradise spa. Said Ms Rollins: “I just got so jealous of my sized six, blonde-haired friend and her equally attractive family. Now I realize that I need to accept my unfortunate looks and be grateful she even acknowledges my presence.”

Elizabeth is said to be part of a taskforce aiming to harness the technology Dr Mueller created and use it in the treatment of burns victims and survivors of war.

Alice Wakefield regrets that she only vaguely remembered Dr Mueller from SVU: “Perhaps, had I paid her more attention instead of whoring it up at the Theta house while my boyfriends called her ‘Tatty Mule’ this whole thing could have been avoided.”

It is a chilling tale, and today we remember those who died in a quest for beauty, and those who were fortunate enough to be born in a sun-streaked blonde-haired, size six body.

Above: Tatiana Mueller, whose quest to transplant Ms Wakefield’s face remains unfulfilled

Winston Egbert,

Sweet Valley Tribune

The one where the ghostwriters are on acid, or SVH #99 “Beware the Babysitter”

24 Jun

We skip to the fifth installment of the “Terror” Miniseries, one book after Lila’s parents remarry each other, and one book before The Evil Twin messes up big time and fails to murder Elizabeth Wakefield.

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Hello world! #3 PLAYING with FIRE

16 Jun


[The one where Jessica entwines herself around her beloved boyfriend – their words, not mine]

We begin at Sweet Valley High’s homecoming dance where I have been elected fall king and Jessica sociopath Wakefield is fall queen [that’s the first fall by the way, although we have about 137 summer vacations that year.]

Fran-Pasc gives some fairly harsh and unflattering descriptions of my dancing style:

“Winston did a quick shuffle, nearly tripping over his gangly legs.”

“Winston ran in circles around her, comically kicking his feet and clapping his hands”… so it’s little wonder that Jess ditches me to dry hump with wealthy Bruce Patman.

Creepy Collins comes out of the girl’s bathroom for long enough to award Jess and Bruce winners of the dance-off [what is this, GREASE?], but luckily Saint Liz is there to have a root [beer] with me and cheer me up. Because we gangly class clowns get down sometimes, y’know.

Oh and then there’s this dodgy subplot about the token school band, the Droids, getting screwed over by some LA-based music agent. Hmmm.

Next thing I know the gang’s at Ken’s after-party where Jess palms me off to her attaché Robin Wilson. Bruce wastes no time in luring Jess into the bushes. Yes, there is boob-groping and bikini untying. Those early ghosties sure knew how to start a party.

Page 31 is my favorite: “He responded by turning his face to hers and kissing her hard, his arms crushing her against him, his mouth demanding what his body wanted to take.” Ooh la la.

Saint Liz chases B and J into the bushes to try and knock some sense into her sister [and Bruce is all yee-haa now there’s two of them] but then poor sod stays up worrying about Jess till the bad twin comes home at 3am. Ah the joys of being four minutes [decades] older.

Jessica continues slutting around with Bruce, which basically means sitting around her bedroom waiting for him to call/ pick her up in 1BRUCE1 and deliberately losing tennis matches so he won’t be threatened by her. GRIPE#1 – This part always bothered me about Jess Wakefield. I always thought she was a bit of a feminist, not in the girl-scout-turned-star writer-for-the-oracle-beauty-pageants-are-the-devil way of Saint Liz, but in more of a pom-pom-toting-up-for-anything kind of way.

Anyhow –

When Bruce is taking out the other blonde of the month, Jess continues using her new “friend” [parasite], phi alpha beta wannabee Robin Wilson [who, in case you didn’t know, is fat. More on that minority group later.]

Anyway – one Friday night, I’m lucky enough to get invited on a date with Liz and Todd. Awesome! How kind of Liz to bring tubby Wilson [who happens to have a massive crush on me] for company! Naww… she really knows how to kill two birds with one stone. So while we’re cruising back from the Droid’s concert in the Todd-mobile we get classic Todd moment #1 “Bruce has been making it very clear that he’s getting everything he wants out of [Jessica]. And whenever he wants it, too.”

OMG? A Wakefield? Doing the unspeakable? My jaw must have opened so wide my braces fell off and landed on my model aeroplane. But don’t worry, JW is re-virginised by book 107 and Sweet Valley returns to its pure, sexless order.

We get a few more angsty droids moments, a few more Jess and Bruce PDAs and Jessica somehow manipulating Emily Mayer to cheat on a chemistry test for her [why do I still love this girl?]

And finally – the bit we’ve all been waiting for, where Wakefield triumphs over manwhore.

It’s Bruce’s birthday, which I somehow managed to fangle an invite to. We kick off with Robin announcing “I’m going to check out the food” [yep, I somehow happen to be at the hors d’oeuvres stand at that exact moment].

After the gang goes to Guidos, Bruce suddenly has to take off to see his sick grandma [yep, he played that card] and so Liz, Todd and Jess take off. The Liz has to go back for her jacket [the bitch] and drags Jess back into Guidos only find Bruce with a gorgeous redhead.

Then Jess is all to you from me pinky lee with the soda and Bruce is humiliated all the way back to his Porsche [which she so spitefully slashes the tyres of.] And then she LINKS ARMS WITH ME BECAUSE SHE OWES ME A DATE and we go back into Guidos and eat pizza with tubby Wilson all night. Ahhh.


I should mention one instance where the subplot gets mildly scandalous, at band practice in Max Dellon’s basement where they have…cigarettes. Cigarettes? In Sweet Valley? Wait, they weren’t at Kelly’s?

I can only hope one of them had a rare lung disorder and died instantly to TEACH US ALL A LESSON

Question of the Week:

Who is hotter- Bruce Patman or Winston Egbert? [pick me! Pick me!]

Oh and let me know what you think of this blog! Despite being a computer nerd, my alter ego is not!

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